Sunday, February 1, 2009

All the chisels I've dulled

ok, here's the real deal people... i am up at 4:04 am, mainly because i have been zonking out at 7:30 or so the past few nights. that, or taking 3+hour naps. Is she sick, may you ask? well...yes. But not really anything that has one name, or a cool disease name, or a certain impairment that excuses my lethargic behavior. It's really just that i am unhealthy. I've tried many ways to become a specimen of health, but it seems this is one of my thorns in the side until God decides to take it away. After all, I have come to realize that it is completely true that God holds your health in His hands. Yes, there are guidelines. and suggestions, and scientific evidence of healthy living tactics. But all in all, the healthiest, most salad-loving, banana-eating, oxygen bar-ing, running, smiling, outdoorsy, vitamin-popping, detoxing, yoga-ing person in the world could contract a disease, or just wither at any moment b/c it is God's plan. And God trumps science. Sometimes i don't like to think of it that way (the truth;)) and i'd rather be assured that the efforts i am making to have a healthy lifestyle are certainly going to pay off. In other words, to know that i am actually in control of the fate of my health. But most of the time i realize the ridiculousity of that thinking, as I know with the greatest certainty that everything is for the glory of God, not for my physical comfort.

My brother and i have both agreed that we probably do not have long to live. We say it jokingly, but we kind of mean it, looking at it from a health perspective. We have the healthiest of parents and many strengths that mask our infirmities quite nicely. But the fact remains that we have both cost my dad an arm and a leg in medical bills...and counting... Griff gets sick, too, so i'm not saying we're more special than he is;). But we are. haha, at least to doctor's salaries and such. Sometimes i worry that ppl think i make it all up. That may be an unfair presumption. I wish i did make it up though, cuz then i could stop it. I often dream of the endless possibilities of my life if given enough energy to last through a 12-hour period. I am a very passionate, goal-driven woman with unrealistic expectations for myself. Ideas flow out of me like a fountain, but there are so many, most end up flooding each other out and drowning before I can pull them out (good analogy? hmm...maybe). Anyways, so i am always dreaming of ways to save the world. So, in a way, I think this sickly body is one of God's ways of keeping me in humble submission to Him. Sometimes i DO have a rush of energy (that lasts two days and then takes two days of sleep recovery;)). When i am in that "mode", i sincerely think that i can save the world. I start talking ppl's ears off with my ideas, planning trips to the far ends of the world, figuring out how to raise money, throwing out the old and bringing in the new, revising my life's plan, setting goals to reach everyday physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Achieving them for a couple of days...and then i go back to square one...sleep. lots of sleep. This has obviously been a frustrating theme in my life. But through God's rennovation of my soul, I have come to see it as a blessing (sometimes:)). B/c i have always put my abilities up on a pedestal. I worship my God-given gifts as gods themselves.

I have the greatest friends and family in the world. I haven't met everyone in the world, but i'm willing to bet money on that former statement. But i know if i had a friend who was: always asleep when i came over, never answered her phone (b/c she is sleeping), always had a "migraine", always got carsick, dizzy/vertigo, was always in the bathroom, couldn't eat anything i made her/brought for her, and was constantly cancelling plans due to a "sudden illness", well, by golly, I'd be really skeptical. I'd try not to be. I'd try to hide it. But I know i couldn't help but be a little wary of her/his "illnesses". So i know. I'm not unaware of how it may sound. That's the worst part about this. That i have to constantly let ppl down who were counting on me. Not glorifying myself, but saying they were counting on me b/c i SAID i would be there for them. When i agree to do something, i am super pumped to do it. I cancel b/c when that day comes, I am beat. just physically beat. I say yes to ten things, fully thinking i can do them all, and then usually ending up doing one, and then burning out. It's frustrating. It's hard to explain. I'm not pitying myself, or at least i hope i'm not, but i'm just trying to express something that has been kind of a hidden struggle for me. a constant reminder of my earthly mortality. my deficiencies. My humanity. how am I going to go love on Africa's poorest and sleep at the same time?? Ain't no way:). It's hard to feel like a good friend when you are as unreliable as I am. I need to stop trying to prove myself to my friends. I know they are probably all on my side and just "giving me razz" about being sick/dropping out all the time. It's not their fault, and i certainly don't want them to feel self-conscious about teasing me about these things. So i just want to attempt to clarify that the struggle for me is my own frustration with the my shortcomings. Faithfulness and loyalty in a friendship are things i value most, and i hate it when i cannot give that to others. oh, life is such a humbling road! PRAISE GOD for my shortcomings, for if i had none, I would never have realized my desperate need for Him.
I know i'm talking about myself a lot. It's hard not to in a blog. b/c it's kinda like the place where ppl come to hear you talk about yourself. so get off right now if you're uninterested, b/c now i will be talking about more of myself and my medical qualms:

I have tried many prescription drugs (all with crazy bad side effects), acupuncture, massage, chiropractice, detox diets, workout routines (the runner's high helps a lot!), gluten-free, lactose-free diets, allergy shots, surgery...the list goes on. At present, I am at a place that encourages natural healing (have you ever seen those white domes off of k-96? yes, the Domes is what i'm talkin about). I got blood and urine tests that proved scientifically that i am very deficient in crucial vitamins (example: i have no reserves of vitamin C), and also that i am intolerant to just about every food that i enjoy. Chocolate, beef, corn, potatoes, tomatoes (ketchup!!!), PEANUT BUTTER, and on and on and on. One i am not the least disappointed with is my intolerance to celery. i despise celery. stop masking it's taste with peanut butter, moms;). But there it was- written, expensive, thoroughly tested proof that my body does not do well with foods as bizarre- sounding as beef! apples! oranges! walnuts! milk! SERIOUSLY??? yes, in this case, i'm pretty sure science does not lie. unless they got my blood and urine mixed up with someone else's, i have to believe it.

i know this is nothing like cancer, leukemia, or some type of disease that keeps one at the hospital on oxygen for the rest of their life...and from that perspective, I feel shame for the self-pity i many times feel wash over me. How blessed i am that i can walk! and talk! and see! hear! taste! How selfish i am to feel i am the only one with these types of impairments. So, take all of this with a grain of salt. I share because...well, i don't know why...I guess because i know how ludicrous my "excuses" seem sometime. and i want you to know that i never purposefully try to rain on anyone's parade.

The fact remains that God is in control. He knows our days. He knows our breathes. He knows our vitamin deficiencies:). There is no miracle pill to cure one completely, i know, but He is the Miracle-Maker, and i am confident that He knows what He is doing with every second of my everyday. He who began a good work in me...He who CHOSE ME...will DEFINITELY BEYOND A DOUBT bring it to completion! has already been won, people!

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