The Mystery and the Mayhem

As i sit here in my NEW! house, eating a delicious and visually-appealing bowl of Ranier Cherries, i struggle to grasp the magnitude of changes in my life these past few months. I am staring out a window into a backyard that is entirely new to me, but is now MY backyard. I am in a guest bedroom that is painted a light apple green and is filled with MY old sheets and comforter, MY old green desk, and dozens of knick knacks, both mine and my hubby's. I will soon go to switch out laundry in MY laundry room, with MY clothes and the clothes of a MAN. Then water MY garden, small, yet fruitful, full of a variety of peppers, watermelon, chives, tomatoes, blueberries and strawberries (all your basic staples of course!). yeah, random bunch, i know.

I will be shopping with my mother for furniture for MY house. A couch for MY living room, a side table/dresser for MY husband's bedside (that i share with him!), and a structure for storage in MY kitchen, which is overflowing with MY shiny new appliances. I curled up for devos in MY zebra-printed Pier One blanket (THE softest blanket known to mankind, and i am willing to fight for this title), in MY chaise lounge chair, drinking coffee from MY Keurig Coffeemaker (more on THAT in a later post). MY husband will be coming home and I will have him all to myself. My father will not be trodding down the hallway, ankles cracking (which comes in handy for the preparation of his arrival), peering into the room to see what we are "up to". My mom will not be yelling up a cheery "hello" from the bottom of the stairs and then coming up to chat with us both. Don't get me wrong at all, i LOVED living at home and having my parents there for everything. But there is just something about having that almost-guaranteed privacy, the realization that nobody is going to come barging through that door except my husband announcing the infamous, "Honey, I'm home!!!". And then i will spend the evening getting to know my groom better, doing devos, and falling asleep by his side in OUR bed. Well, not tonight. We are housesitting for a week. But for the past few weeks it has been this way.

Oh, there is such mystery in marriage! And the mayhem of life continues on...even after a wedding of 500+ attendants. even after a honeymoon on the beach. Yes, life goes on. Dan's desk is waiting for him every morning, and a pile of empty Thank You cards are waiting for me. I still must furnish my house, keep up with the cooking, baking, laundry, gardening, and cleaning, hang stuff on walls, organize shelves, and clean out boxes. But it is very good.

This Kansas girl who grew up with a passion and desire for the great continent of Africa and the faces of the children she met there, is, in effect, living out her dreams right here as the bride of a wonderful groom, a keeper of the home, and an eater of delicious Rainier Cherries* (really the only "pits" she has come into contact with lately), as she strives to become even a smidgen of a "woman of dominion". Yes, life is good.

*these cherries are in peak season right now and it doesn't last long, so go getcha some! oh, and here is my grapevine...

5/23/09- Plant a Daisy

I do not like the fact of who i am as a Christian. I am quite thrilled, really, with who i am as a pagan. As a pagan, I can be sure, i have the advantages most pagans long for; idolize, really. i find it dosconcerting that my piqued interest and attention come to when ideas and prospects of jewelry soar. or of major-time service projects. or of blogging about myself. the drudgery comes in taking time away from that to plant flowers in my backyard, have a sit-down dinner, host company, or go meet up with company. i am wistfully wishing i were back in my studio (St. Udio:) salivating over the millions/perhaps billions of variations in media and composition! the ability to make master works with my two hands and what is in front of me! to make something no one else has made!

Is it not enough to plant a daisy? No. because, although completely unique to its own individual life and growth, there are at least a few dozen people perhaps planting daisies at the exact time. different daisies, of course, but daisies all the same. they did not come up with the idea and model of a daisy and then plant it. they saw, they took, they dug, they planted. something is magical in that simplicity, and it makes me think that i will know the joy and peace in simplicity when i am able to do just that-- plant a daisy-- and feel such a surge of all things holy and content, resigning myself to the fact that i do not matter, and none of my matter matters, without a Higher Cause. His Glory, of course. I definitely without a doubt, see me as being more like the character Van in "Severe Mercy". or Davy in her early years. before she surrendered herself to the simplicity of One Being and One Word. Maybe not simplicity. But resolution. One important book. None of the fillers along the way. that is it, i realize....i am lost in the fillers right now. i know my biggest struggle and cause of discontent. it is the fear of "settling". The fear of not being able to see, experience, and accomplish everything on my list. The fear of being "just another daisy"...instead of an exotic piece of never-to-be-repeated jewelry to be adorned. I strive for uniquity (uniqueness?). And therein lies my discontent. If only i would lay it down. Lay it down to the One who holds me in His Hand, never to let me go.

After Book Club

12/15/08
Give me a dollar, and i'll take 100,000. This being in reference to my giving to my dad vs. his giving to me. i am the most expensive female on this planet.
Book club was tonight and it was glorious b/c i love those women, but actually it was really hard. This book has taken me for a spin, and now i feel dizzy and out in the middle of nowhere. At least i have my Compass. Who encompasses all things, no matter its triviality or strength of confusion. Lord, the world tells me lies and I stupidly believe them. What is man that you are even mindful of them? You care for me. and i have no idea why. When this is how i treat You. i have so far to go, and such a short time getting there. Lord, mold me. Reshape me. Give me Your eyes. Mold my life into perfect congruence with Yours.

Life-wasting: a busy business

O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breathe; his days are like a fleeting shadow.
Psalm 144:3-4

contentment, as you will soon see, is not my strong spot. i am plagued by so much to do and so little time (or if you're willy wonka, scratch that, reverse it!). It is intensely hard for me to slow down due to the "what ifs" in my life. Do i think that what i need to do, want to do, day by day is important? well...yeah. It sounds ridiculous, but from the outside looking in, i am too busy with wasting my life. At a wednesday night Bible study i attend (we call it Playloop:), we watched a tape of John Piper. One worth watching 20 times over just to absorb a little morsel of its intent. I absorbed like a crumb, but it was the crumb i needed. and in fact, a lot of crumbs can build up to quite a pile! So back to Piper, he was focusing on this: Don't waste your life. retirement is useless for the Christian. We don't deserve it like the world thinks we do. we have but a breathe on this earth, so why do so many insist on wasting it? well, we're vile sinners, of course. My own evilness (eviltude?), my brokenness, my desire for my own glory, my expectations, things I feel i deserve from God for my own glory...and darn if it isn't extremely unfair if He doesn't give me what i "deserve"? I don't know if this is true, i'll have to check with Mr. Webster, but i just thought of something while writing that word: deserve. de. serve. "de" is to take away, in layman's terms i think. so can we demand for what we think we "deserve" while at the same time "serve"? oh boy, now that brings up the word demand...i'll have to get back to you on that one:)
What i deserve: i want a husband. I want children. maybe 3 or 4, boy girl boy girl. I want another day to live. another second to breathe, awesome adventures, money for my labor, comfort, peace, social skills, attention, recognization of my gifts and talents. i am surely and most intensely missing the entire point! duh. I deserve freedom? no, i don't. God has given many blessings to me. for a time. but if He takes it away, will i deem it unfair? Will i be bitter? will i lose faith? will i be filled with regret? Yes, yes, yes and uh-huh for sure.
As long as we live for ourselves, we will surely be bombarded with these feelings. We live for Him. Us vapors. Us shifting shadows. Let our shadow be covered by the shadow of His wings. none of us deserve that, but don't worry it's free:)