Monday, June 2, 2008

No pain, No pretty

I suffer from migraines. and one day i was caught between the lines of needing to scream so bad but knowing that would only make it worse. This migraine was impossible. Ice or heat? Massage or pressure? There was no solution for fixing it, this mother of all migraines. all i could do was wait it out. and whimper. i truly did whimper. like a wimp. Such an intense feeling it is to feel trapped in your own body. It's funny because pain, when absent, is idealized to be this great and tragic trial that will make us stronger in the end. We think the pain is worth it to bear, so we trudge on "courageously". I'm not just talking migraines. in fact, i'm kind of opening a can of worms. but it's a can of worms i am all too familiar with.
Taking laxatives, running marathons, living in a desert or rainforest, getting drunk, even swimming with your clothes on- those all have been to me at one point exotic trials, ones i said "bring it on!" to and foolishly thought i could bear it. Because i saw the world as this: No pain, No fame. No pain, No pretty.
laxatives, waxes, throwing up, gnawing hunger pangs, working out, sacrificing time and attention to this pain for the pretty. i struggled with this. i struggle with this. it's my idol. when it comes down to it, i worship image and everything about it.

I bet you are too. i know you are. this is why i am stepping out in faith that God will take the words and experiences of a clumsy child like me and breathe that Truth into the hearts of every girl who reads anything on this blog.

God has really been trying to tell me something and i'm just now, it seems, starting to truly listen. He tells me He has a Divine Plan for my life. In this stage of life, at 22, i have the golden opportunity to serve. to give of my time and to tell of my past. for His glory. always, mind you, for His glory. I've been given a heart, even a hurt for young ladies in places i once visited. in valleys i once crossed. in paths i once stumbled through. The hardest falls and the deepest lessons that i know you will encounter. in a different form, with a different name, maybe, but the core of our struggle is the same. Read mine. Experience mine. Read others'. Learn from each other. We are after all, all daughters of the King.

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