Monday, June 2, 2008

Life-wasting: a busy business

O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breathe; his days are like a fleeting shadow.
Psalm 144:3-4

contentment, as you will soon see, is not my strong spot. i am plagued by so much to do and so little time (or if you're willy wonka, scratch that, reverse it!). It is intensely hard for me to slow down due to the "what ifs" in my life. Do i think that what i need to do, want to do, day by day is important? well...yeah. It sounds ridiculous, but from the outside looking in, i am too busy with wasting my life. At a wednesday night Bible study i attend (we call it Playloop:), we watched a tape of John Piper. One worth watching 20 times over just to absorb a little morsel of its intent. I absorbed like a crumb, but it was the crumb i needed. and in fact, a lot of crumbs can build up to quite a pile! So back to Piper, he was focusing on this: Don't waste your life. retirement is useless for the Christian. We don't deserve it like the world thinks we do. we have but a breathe on this earth, so why do so many insist on wasting it? well, we're vile sinners, of course. My own evilness (eviltude?), my brokenness, my desire for my own glory, my expectations, things I feel i deserve from God for my own glory...and darn if it isn't extremely unfair if He doesn't give me what i "deserve"? I don't know if this is true, i'll have to check with Mr. Webster, but i just thought of something while writing that word: deserve. de. serve. "de" is to take away, in layman's terms i think. so can we demand for what we think we "deserve" while at the same time "serve"? oh boy, now that brings up the word demand...i'll have to get back to you on that one:)
What i deserve: i want a husband. I want children. maybe 3 or 4, boy girl boy girl. I want another day to live. another second to breathe, awesome adventures, money for my labor, comfort, peace, social skills, attention, recognization of my gifts and talents. i am surely and most intensely missing the entire point! duh. I deserve freedom? no, i don't. God has given many blessings to me. for a time. but if He takes it away, will i deem it unfair? Will i be bitter? will i lose faith? will i be filled with regret? Yes, yes, yes and uh-huh for sure.
As long as we live for ourselves, we will surely be bombarded with these feelings. We live for Him. Us vapors. Us shifting shadows. Let our shadow be covered by the shadow of His wings. none of us deserve that, but don't worry it's free:)

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