I hold a bitterness inside for people of whom i can say by name, as well as what has embittered me towards them. Friends from elementary school. friends from high school. boys. adults. international missionaries. friends from Arkansas. people i know well. people i hardly know. family. Mom. Dad. my brothers. God. So much hate. i deserve ten-thousand lashings, yet even as i say this, i know that i would gladly renounce Christ instead of getting that beating. Did i just admit that? God knows it, already. i'm a sick, demented, worldly, standard, talented, confused, doubting, hateful, jealous, ignorant, prideful, helpless, bitter, anxiety-driven child of God. Those are not characteristics of a godly young woman. The proverbs 31 lady is like the antithesis of me. Faith without works is dead. I know this full well and yet i continue to do works to cover up my lack of faith and devotion to You.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Lord, do not make me wealthy or cause my earthly, selfish efforts to succeed when all of that is clearly useless to You. Worrying about a business is as ignorant as an unbeliever. to worry about something that makes no difference in heaven, that passes away in the wink of an eye. My reputation. My self-worth. My pride. My success. My ego. All other earthly desires...covetousness, false humility, apostacy. I am incredibly distracted by my own distractions! Ones that are 100 percent easy to avoid: TV. movies. Grey's Anatomy. the Office. cheap shots. wasted minutes.