Thursday, December 18, 2008

Notes on a Saved Young Woman

Lord, do not make me wealthy or cause my earthly, selfish efforts to succeed when all of that is clearly useless to You. Worrying about a business is as ignorant as an unbeliever. to worry about something that makes no difference in heaven, that passes away in the wink of an eye. My reputation. My self-worth. My pride. My success. My ego. All other earthly desires...covetousness, false humility, apostacy. I am incredibly distracted by my own distractions! Ones that are 100 percent easy to avoid: TV. movies. Grey's Anatomy. the Office. cheap shots. wasted minutes.
I hold a bitterness inside for people of whom i can say by name, as well as what has embittered me towards them. Friends from elementary school. friends from high school. boys. adults. international missionaries. friends from Arkansas. people i know well. people i hardly know. family. Mom. Dad. my brothers. God. So much hate. i deserve ten-thousand lashings, yet even as i say this, i know that i would gladly renounce Christ instead of getting that beating. Did i just admit that? God knows it, already. i'm a sick, demented, worldly, standard, talented, confused, doubting, hateful, jealous, ignorant, prideful, helpless, bitter, anxiety-driven child of God. Those are not characteristics of a godly young woman. The proverbs 31 lady is like the antithesis of me. Faith without works is dead. I know this full well and yet i continue to do works to cover up my lack of faith and devotion to You.

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