Struggles of the Flesh

12/9/08

Where did i go wrong? Well first, let me preface with the question- where did i go right? Seriously, i am like my own shadow. Unobtrusive, yet always there. Never changing, always dark, warped and manipulated by the world around me. Helpless. Unyielding. More prominently seen when Light is all around me. Well i guess this is describing my sin, which is a huge part of me, and a huge part of my degradation.
I have driven yet another caring man away. Because i am saturated, saturated in myself. To wait for a dream to come true would be like searching the sky for superman. You start hallucinating, you want him to appear so badly. Your neck starts hurting. And you have wasted your time going nowhere, doing nothing to further His kingdom. I have no conceivable idea of Your plans for me, Father, but i would ask that if You are waiting for a specific day until You introduce me to my husband, that that day may come earlier in the calendar year. Maybe even in 2008:) If You are planning it to be more like 2012, I would ask for a. maybe a year bump up? and b. that You would give me supernatural patience. Are you waiting for me to be completely transformed, not just in the process? b/c i know full well that i am in the process. and i am being refined by fire, but the fire hurts my translucent flesh. it reaches my heart quickly. And i'm tired of being refined. I know i don't even have the authority to make that statement. But here, in this journal, i merely tell You what You already know. and I know You know what's best for me. Lord, i have already messed up in my life more than probably an 23-year-old believer. Must i continue? Losing friends? Being humbled? Being disappointed and disappointing? If i am give this brain and these thoughts, let them be used by You. If not, then i don't want to think this deep. Life is less complicated when you're clueless.

(-obviously, this journal entry is not of thoughts that i have my heart in the right place. I merely write this so that, possibly, those who struggle with these same human thoughts might be encouraged, and that God might use these words to increase the faith of myself as well as other believers. I share my struggles because they are a large part of life. What God teaches me from these struggles always seems to come to fruition sometime later, in His timing, and in my submission.)