I do not like the fact of who i am as a Christian. I am quite thrilled, really, with who i am as a pagan. As a pagan, I can be sure, i have the advantages most pagans long for; idolize, really. i find it dosconcerting that my piqued interest and attention come to when ideas and prospects of jewelry soar. or of major-time service projects. or of blogging about myself. the drudgery comes in taking time away from that to plant flowers in my backyard, have a sit-down dinner, host company, or go meet up with company. i am wistfully wishing i were back in my studio (St. Udio:) salivating over the millions/perhaps billions of variations in media and composition! the ability to make master works with my two hands and what is in front of me! to make something no one else has made!
Is it not enough to plant a daisy? No. because, although completely unique to its own individual life and growth, there are at least a few dozen people perhaps planting daisies at the exact time. different daisies, of course, but daisies all the same. they did not come up with the idea and model of a daisy and then plant it. they saw, they took, they dug, they planted. something is magical in that simplicity, and it makes me think that i will know the joy and peace in simplicity when i am able to do just that-- plant a daisy-- and feel such a surge of all things holy and content, resigning myself to the fact that i do not matter, and none of my matter matters, without a Higher Cause. His Glory, of course. I definitely without a doubt, see me as being more like the character Van in "Severe Mercy". or Davy in her early years. before she surrendered herself to the simplicity of One Being and One Word. Maybe not simplicity. But resolution. One important book. None of the fillers along the way. that is it, i realize....i am lost in the fillers right now. i know my biggest struggle and cause of discontent. it is the fear of "settling". The fear of not being able to see, experience, and accomplish everything on my list. The fear of being "just another daisy"...instead of an exotic piece of never-to-be-repeated jewelry to be adorned. I strive for uniquity (uniqueness?). And therein lies my discontent. If only i would lay it down. Lay it down to the One who holds me in His Hand, never to let me go.