Working Towards an Online Victory!

Can't wait to sport the Triple Double-U's and have my Petie Mae Jewelry website up! Yes, it is taking forever, i hear ya. Besides, since i don't have a job, why in the world am i not getting this thing done and ready to take on the world?
Give me a break, i'm a people pleaser. Who isn't? I think people realize i am at home most days, so i am a perfect person to give a holler to, ask a favor, etc. I LOVE helping out, don't get me wrong. It's just that the not-so-urgent tasks get put on the back burner. Speaking of back burners, i even bake more than i make jewelry these days because i am strangely obsessed with making EVERY RECIPE i have ever seen. This reminds me of my disilluisionistic goal of wanting to read every book ever written by the time I died. That got erased from the bucket list. But the food-making obsession has not. I need the jewelry making and marketing obsession gene!
Well, hopefully petiemaejewelry.com (don't go there now, it's "down for maintenance" aka, has never been opened yet.) will be ushered in with the New Year, 2011. or 2012? hmmm... Please pray that Petie Mae Jewelry will be all God wants it to be.

I have ideas for social networking, such as having a blog on my website, and ideas for partnering with charities to put on a show/fundraiser with a percentage of the PMJ profits going towards that particular charity.

Nicole Strain, if you are reading this, i am hiring you to become my marketing consultant because you are, well, amazing. Let's talk business. I want Petie Mae Jewelry on the necks of every woman in America--without breaking their wallets or making them feel bad about their purchase.

That's another question...how does one promote their business without using less-than-pristine/ethical tactics? I'm not into conning, or convincing someone to buy something they really don't need, and could be spending on a few meals for a homeless man ("What Difference Do it Make?", anyone?) or for a couple of chickens for Christmas (Gospel for Asia's Christmas Catalog, anyone?)

How do you have a heart for the needy, and be a savvy businesswoman at the same time? Is this even possible??

Oh dear, another post for another time. For the 20 plus people who follow me, please give me your advice/opinions/ideas and pray for the future of Petie Mae Jewelry.

Next up, i'll be posting some photos of some internet-only merchandise!

The Captivity of Activity

Beth Moore describes it briefly in her "Breaking Free" video series. It's the "Captivity of Activity". Since i love a good play- on- words, i am a little miffed with Beth for thinking of this before I did. I guess other people ARE as smart as me (just another humbling as the Lord brings me down from the mountain of importance that i continually try to hike up, taking different trails each time, yet winding up in the same spot). SMARTER, even! 

Activity...my life is a constant conundrum in this regard. I am attacked on one side by the feeling of laziness and sluggishness, mainly due to health difficulties, but there is always that nagging thought that i am just doing it to get out of things and that it is all mental. And the other side attacks me with my endless lists of things to accomplish, as i rush from one to the other, not spending enough time in each spot to actually "accomplish" it, therefore, creating yet another "thing" to fix and "accomplish". (Do i use these """" too much? i will look into that, cuz that could get annoying). I get comments from others that i am running myself ragged. "How do you do all of this in one day? I would go crazy!". Then i get the comments, "What do you do all day? You don't have a job, right? So what occupies your time?", which reads to my sensitive self, "GET A LIFE YOU LAZY BUM!". 

So which is it? Darned if i know. The jury is no longer out on the purpose of my existence. I have learned after years of captivity in activity that my will is to do the will of the One Who sent me and called me as His own. Yet this question of my purpose is a constant leach to my everyday thoughts. I'm doing too much. I'm not doing enough. Well...which is it?

my backyard Mimosa tree! favorite tree ever. ever.

For my groom's wedding gift, I searched through 20 plus journals of my scribblings from the past fifteen years. I then typed up everything i deemed worthy of mention to my groom, things i wanted him to know about me and that would pertain to him understanding me better and creating a healthy start to our marriage. it was 70 pages. Single- spaced. Poor guy, having to read all that. I thought it would take him a few weeks to get through, but he actually finished it all in the first few days of our honeymoon! What??!! i told him he obviously had not labored over the intricacies of my journaling, grasping at the meaning of my innermost thoughts. Right:). But going through those entries, I didn't realize how much I would PERSONALLY get out of it. Reading through your life is quite unexplainable. It's overwhelming, really. You see patterns. You see things you never saw before about yourself. You cringe at some things you wrote, cry at others, and laugh hysterically at even more. You come across issues you dealt with ten years ago that you STILL haven't resolved. But you also come across issues that seemed like such a big deal at the time, and you wish you could go back and tell your teenage self (or 22 year old self!) that it would all be okay, and this seeming mountain was actually just a molehill, or a bump in the road. Upon reading, i saw quite a pattern with myself. It was the struggle with purpose. How i spent my time. What i accomplished during the day/week/year. I set tons of "goal lists", "aspirations", and "dreams". I started out wishing that life's goals could be checked off and i could move onto the next goal, and ended up begging God to assure me that that was not how life worked. And He did. and still does. 

i am still in the captivity of activity. I have met few who aren't. I realize that this time in my life is a perfect time for me to completely, painfully, utterly surrender my will to my Father, for every future second of my life to be HIS and HIS ONLY. I am a married homemaker, settling in right now and soon starting up, once again, a jewelry business. I am already craving to be a mother. But i know once motherhood occurs, I must be armed with weapons so as not to be caught in the "Captivity of Activity". To fight diligently for my God in this dark world, and yet find rest and peace in Him as well. That balance, i know, will never be achieved here on earth, but that does not mean i give up.

A Proverbs 31 Man and Deuteronomy

Taken from "The Most Important Year in a Man's Life/ The Most Important Year in a Woman's Life" by Robert and Bobbie Wolgemuth, and Mark and Susan DeVries.

This was quite a wonderful book. I found it on half.com after i had ordered a marriage book which i have yet to read. This one was on the list of suggestions from the ever-so-wise ebay people. I guess they assume that they know what i want to read before i do. This one was a God-send, though. I really learned a lot from it.

The book is written by two Christian couples and I believe one of the husbands is a pastor. The book is split in half, with one side being for the women, and the other for the man. But they highly encourage either sex to read both sides. So of course i did:) And i am giving it to my future husband, who is very eager to read it as well.

Here's some snippets and thoughts...

Deuteronomy 24:5 states, "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."

Did you hear that? An entire year focused solely on getting to know your spouse. If this was a command, how much importance do you think God placed on new marriages? This first yr. is called in the book the "Wet Cement Year". Once the pattern is set in the first year, change can take place, "but it may take something like a jackhammer to bring it about".

The wife of the Proverbs 31 man immediately gains self-esteem from the sterling reputation of her husband. "[Her husband] praises her" (31:28). Few things are more motivating to a woman than words of sincere admiration coming from her husband. The Proverbs 31 man is liberal with these expressions.

On learning to please your spouse: 

Okay, so these things don't come naturally. Did learning to ride a bicycle come naturally, or did u have to work at it? How about swimming? Or learning to read? ...Did these things come naturally or did you learn them? And what did it take for these to become skills? That's easy to answer. You wanted to master them-- and so you did.

Marriage is work. But so is everything, if you want to be good at it. For some reason I had never thought about it like that before...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg on what i have been learning, I am sure I will be referencing this book in the weeks and months to come...

Find a way to please your man today, first figuring out what he is most pleased by, not necessarily by what YOU think pleases him...

Sunday Fatigue

I have a problem. Well, i have a lot of problems, truth. But this is an issue that MUST go away soon. Want to hear it? Well, it all begins on Sunday mornings. I rush harried and frazzled to church to set up for my kindergarten Sunday School class. Usually, flying off the cuff trying to figure out what craft to do, then stealing some cookies from the Pot Providence (just a more accurate name for PotLuck:) for snack time(i only did this once, and i got permission i promise!). I get to church by 9 to 9:15. The first fresh-eyed, still-wet-haired, little angel walks in around 9:15 on the dot. Then the rest trickle in within the next hour (Seriously, my church is notorious for uber relaxation on time). I teach as i go. I was blessed with a quick wit and creative brain that usually make me look like i know exactly what i'm doing. But it's a humbling process, always, because even on the other 50 percent of the weeks where i am fully prepared for the lesson, snack, and craft, something always gets fudged. And it's okay. It's preparing me for parenthood. Kind of like an appetizer before the main course. Other time like heavy hor de' voures:). But their comments and random  exclamations make it all worth it. 

I have noticed something about two of my kids, probably because their families sit in front of mine in the sanctuary. About exactly when the sermon starts, they are drooling on their father's shoulder. Out like a light. And now we come to my problem...

     I do the same thing. Except for me, I am hopefully not drooling. And the shoulder i am leaning on is not my parents', but my fiance's. It's so weird. I wake up Sunday mornings determined not to fall asleep. I drink coffee. I eat protein. I take an Excedrin with caffeine in it. But to no avail. Just about when the sermon starts, right after Pastor G asks us to stand up in the honor of reading God's Word and to follow along in our Bibles if we wish, I am ZONKED. Yes, the kindergarten Sunday School teacher, the influence on the hearts and souls of ten children for 2 hours a week, is completely wiped out. 

I've had issues with fatigue ever since i hit puberty. In many ways, it has increased over the past few years, due to medications and such. Plus the fact that i am almost ALWAYS coming "down" with something. My fatigue does not always come on slowly, like someone who spends their day at a fast pace, then comes home and decides they need a nap if they are gonna try to stay up and watch their favorite t.v. show that night. No, my fatigue is more like a two-ton truck that decides to take up residence on my eyelids and refuses to leave until i allow it to smother me under its weight. Many times i am off running errands, or meeting with someone, and i suddenly will be hit with a bout of fatigue. Then it is all i can do in my power to drive home and run up to stairs to sink into a bed, where i can relieve myself of the intense pressure building on top of me. Sounds a bit dramatic, but it's true. My body just likes to shut down. And i just have to listen to it. And i am usually okay with listening to my body's not-so-gentle urgings. But i'm not okay with it at church, nor should i be. Yet it always happens. I listen, i try to take notes, and sometimes i make it through half the sermon. But then i think, "i can listen while i rest my heavy head on my man's shoulder. No harm in that." Then i find myself alternating between a strange non-reality and the sound of my pastor's voice, as they all mix together in a whirlpool of confusion. I hear "Nicodemus asked Jesus...", and then Nicodemus is all of the sudden at my grandparents' lake house, trying to ski, and i am under the water, which has turned into glass, just swimming with the extra large seahorses who talk and decide to teach me to live underwater. Then a boy from elementary school shows up and professes his undying love towards me. And i am suddenly wearing my elementary school uniform....Ok, maybe this dream hasn't happened, but my dreams are usually these type of indescribable ones, because they go beyond human reason and explanation. 

NO, i am NOT on any illegal drugs. I promise! But these are the dreams i struggle to get out of during the sermon. What's even more horrifying is  i find myself holding back a yelp or saying something out loud that pertains to my dream, but knowing if i say it, the whole church will be looking at me in confusion startled-ization. So what always happens instead is that my whole body jerks as i soar over a mountain or something, which brings me back to reality, as my whole family is staring at me, stifling back laughter, knowing exactly what has happened, and the little boy in front of me whips his head around after he feels my leg kick the underside of the pew. It would be comical if it wasn't so disheartening. ok, it's still comical!

I realized i needed help when i fell asleep at my fiance's granparents' church in Kanawah, Iowa, population 600. Word travels fast in a small town, and i am only praying that none of them saw my uncontrollable jerks of the leg during the sermon. By the way, i think that's where I was hearing the sermon about Nicodemus....So i am on a quest now. Asking God for the strength and the energy to not only "make it through" the whole church service, but actually relish in it, in His Glory, and treat it as the holy sanctuary it is, a place where the body of Christ can come together and confess, repent, worship, and praise the Lord of all Heaven and Earth. That very same Lord has the power over fatigue. and restless, crazy, druggie-type dreams!!! 

Please pray for my alertness and my body's ability to keep me energized and up to the small task of staying awake in church! I do NOT want this to be a regular occurrence anymore. Friends Fighting Fatigue unite!!!

Have a wonderful thursday. Today is a wonderful day.

Many are the Plans...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21.

That verse hit me like a two ton something as i did devos this afternoon. Ever since i woke up this morning, my mind has been a mess of crazy. Dresses dancing through my head, flower bouquets, favors, houses, plans plans plans!...and i have found it extremely difficult to focus on quieting my soul. I have been taking care of a sick girl, my cousin Taylor, who is living with us, so it's nice to be home. I did a workout tape this morning and a 50-minute yoga burn workout which, kicked my little hiney! But it felt so good. and the endorphins now are jumping up and down inside my heart's trampoline (doesn't your heart have one?).

I was actually reading in the book of Hosea, about his wife of "whoredom", as the King James Version puts it. The amount of grace, risk, mercy, and forgiveness God was calling Hosea to have for his wife is astounding, yet nothing compared to what God has done for us, sending his son to be a mere human. So i am reading this, which is kind of hard to follow for me in my new King James Bible. But, being scatterbrained and all, i was glancing around the room, perusing my beads and dreaming of jewelry delicacies and i saw on one of my cloth boards the Proverbs 19:21 verse. I had written it long ago, and like things that have been in the same place for awhile, i kind of forget to look at the board, or even realize it is there. But boy, do i NEED that verse today! My plans, mostly for my wedding, seem so monumental to me at this moment. I am wrapped up in the selfishness of being a bride-to-be. I'm sure the line between basking in your moment to shine and putting others before your needs is at a different spot for everyone. But i haven't quite found that spot. I enjoy planning. i enjoy all the plans racing through my manic brain. But i forget about what is real. What is now. I glanced at the news this morning and saw a clip on this little girl who wanted to give her prosthetic leg to children in Haiti whose limbs had been severed. She is like 2 or 3, a cute little asian girl. Her dad is in Afghanistan, and when he heard what she wanted to do, he cried. In a completely opposite side of the world topic from where i am right now, it is good to get a reality check. Wedding plans are great. They really are. and i think there is nothing wrong with basking in this moment of your life. But for heaven's sake, I need to remember that i am but dust!

On Infant Baptism

Before i begin, i want to point out that i wasn't meaning to get into the question of infant baptism. This is a sticky subject amongst professing believers, and i have many a good friend who would completely oppose the belief in infant baptism. But, through God's work in my life as a part of one amazing book club, I stumbled upon this book-- Children of the Promise: The Biblical Case for Infant Baptism--written by Robert R. Booth, a former baptist preacher who professed to have ignored this subject for many years. He really got me in one of his opening lines when he said, "I think we often avoid studying a matter because we fear that our views will not be confirmed...Those who sincerely and diligently seek the truth will find it; they have no reason to fear being challenged by any contrary view."
And so, while i had my doubts about the legitimacy of baptizing infants, I forged ahead and diligently sought the truth. Well, i still have a lot to learn, and i don't think if you put me in front of a baptist believer to prove my point, that i would at all prove it. That is, unless, i read straight from this book and pointed them to the suggested scriptures. But through this book, as a tool for God's work, God has shown me that not only is it right to believe in infant baptism, it is being disobedient to him not to believe. Here are a few quotes from the book. There are many more, so i might go for a part two:

I suspect our difficulty in answering the question [of who should be baptized] stems less from a lack of biblical evidence and more from an inability to recognize that evidence when we see it, chiefly because our ways of thinking have changed so drastically from the ways of thinking natural to the authors of the New Testament, something which applies especially to tthe way we think about the family. OUr difficulty in understanding the New Testament's answer to this question is not one of theology, but history, and only if we can get this mental blockage out of our way, then the answer to to question, "who are the proper subjects of baptism?" will, in large measure, take care of itself...

Consequently, if God continues to deal with us as families in his covenant, then we need to give some very serious consideration to what we are doing if we leave our children unbaptized. We are not leaving them free to exercise their own free choice in a democratic universe. Instead, we are forcing them to break God's covenant; we are depriving them of what they have a legitimate right to; and we are making them to be covenant-breakers in the eyes of God.
-Allen Guelzo Who Should Be Baptized? A Case for the Baptism of Infants

If it enters anyone's mind to jest at infant baptism..., he is mocking the command of circumcision given by the Lord [in the Old Testament]. For what will they bring forward to impugn infant baptism that may not be turned back against circumcision?
-John Calvin Institutes

Gregg Bahnsen comments,
"Abraham's circumcision was God's testimony in Abraham's flesh that righteousness cannot be merited by man's natural efforts-- that it must me graciously imputed to the helpless sinner. Abraham was reckoned righteous, therefore, only by trusting in God's promise and provision--faith... we must not well that the signs of the covenant, whether circumcision or baptism,--being God's signs and ordained by Him--are God's testimony to God's gracious work of salvation. They declare the objective truth that justification comes only by faith in God's promise. Circumcision and baptism are not an individual's personal, subjective testimony to having saving faith for himself. God Himself commanded that circumcision be applied to those who He perfectly well knew would not have saving faith in Him (e.g., Ishmael in Gen. 17:18-27)
-"Baptism: Its Meaning and Purpose"

Likewise, in plenty of instances hypocrites who are not true believers have been baptized (cf. Heb. 6:2-6; e.g., Simon Magus in Acts 8:13, 20-23). Some might object that, while God knowingly applied a sign of the Old Covenant to unbelievers (like Ishmael or Esau), this would be inappropriate in the New Covenant. They say New Covenant signs are only for those we have reason to think are believers (by their profession of faith). Such reasoning is well meaning, but nonetheless unbiblical. God the Son knowingly applied the sign of even the New Covenant to the unbelieving 'son of perdition', Judas Iscariot (Luke 22:20-21; Matt. 26:23-29)
-Greg Bahnsen, "Baptism: Its Meaning and Purpose"

kanakuk

I just caught up with the latest news about the man who worked as a director at a camp called kanakuk who admitted to child molestation. it's all very interesting to me because i was a kamper for four years, a counselor in training for one, and a counselor for one. and boy did God teach me alot while i was there. in this blog entry, i want to address the deeper issue behind all of this hub ub going on about Mr. Newman (the guy who admitted to child molestation) and how it relates to my own life, and to the everyday lives of EVERYONE who ever set foot on a kanakuk kamp ground.

in my kamper years, kanakuk was like this other world. this heaven on earth i could escape to, where i had tons of instant best friends, worshiped God 24/7, and could dress up in whatever funky clothes concoction i wanted! it was loud, it was sunny, it was high energy, and i thrived. but even as a kamper, i knew kamp was far from perfect. as an osage (counselor in training), i realized it a little more. and as a counselor, that realization almost broke me. it's funny. i look back on all these letter i wrote about kanakuk, journal entries, etc. and see how it grew me.

being a young girl whose world revolved around herself and who was convinced she was more gifted and special than any other young girl, i thrived at kamp, because it was very performance driven. i was even chosen as one of the kamp cheerleaders (called a sage), whose main job was to get the party started. so i wasn't a background type person. but when the time came for my life to be a constant humbling process, i started to despise kamp. i despised the system. the competition. the athletes and the outspoken kids getting all the glory. the funny counselors and leadership getting all the attention. it was one big slice of heaven for anybody who is an extrovert and has a funny bone in their body. i was used to being seen as this type of person. so i didn't like it when others like me had more energy and more clout to get the attention they needed, while i was left in the audience. so selfish, i know. but like i said, i needed desperate humbling. and God gave that to me. much of it through kanakuk. as a leader at kamp, as opposed to a kamper anymore, i struggled. much of my focus became on the kids, as i realized the double standard being held by almost ALL of the counselors i was around. i noticed that the counselors most looked up to were the ones who were completely different people with completely different standards when the kids weren't around. i couldn't stand the hypocrisy. thinking that i was not "one of those" counselors, i put all of my efforts in the kids. but then the next year, i started becoming bitter even about the kids. i realized that most were from wealthy families, lived in dallas, and had tons of friends at kamp, thus not needing to reach out to the ones on the outskirts. this frustrated me. even though i adored being the center of attention, i had always looked out for the kids on the fringe. it was hard for me to be motivated to serve these high society kids who didn't seem like they were there for the right reasons.
by the end of my last year as a counselor at kamp, i had had enough. i was bitter towards everyone at kamp and i thought the place was a fake. but through the years, God has shown me how foolish that thinking was. and how, by thinking that, i was separating myself from "them", those ppl with the wrong motives.

HELLO! i was a counselor while i had an eating disorder and was obsessed with my image. i preached to girls the importance of inner beauty, while i counted every calorie that went into my mouth and got up every morning and ran early, which resulted in me being completely wiped out during free times and napping instead of hanging out with those girls who needed someone to talk to. not only that, but i cared WAY too much about what the boys thought. my whole schtick was to ignore the boys and appear as this girl who was completely there for the kids. but i noticed. i noticed the boys glances and strung a few along, only to let them down hard at the end. at kamp, i found i was constantly aware of my worldly attractiveness. i had a lot to offer the guys who looked for the wrong thing in girls, the guys with the wrong standards. i knew my power over them (don't we all, girls?;)) and i was able to exert it. i could go on about my many many many hypocritical ways while at kamp, but you get the idea...

the past few years have been a matter of God breaking me. crushing me to smithereens until none of my original shape was left. and then molding me into something truly beautiful and useful to Him. God knows i have to constantly be broken again, but slowly, i know he is carrying His masterpiece to completion! And now that i have been broken, I have seen the error of my ways. It's not kamp that i should be bitter towards. it's not these college kids who are still confused and unsure about themselves i should be hatin on. it's not these selfish little brats who get everything they want who i should despise serving. it's SIN. it's SATAN. It's the wickedness of man that is planted in us from our conception. This guy, Pete Newman, he did a horrible thing. and nothing should excuse his behavior. but, should anything excuse OUR behavior? i would say i have sinned as much if not more than this man, but most of it has been undetected, or is easily accepted in our society. it's much easier to admit to an eating disorder than it is to molesting children, i should say. But aren't they both the same thing---SIN??? does my sin of idolizing the physical image count less than this man's sin? What i am trying to say is this...Kanakuk kamps is run by sinners. Sinners send their little sinning children to kamp, who are led by sinning counselors, who are overseen by sinning directors. We ALL are sinners. While i can't imagine being the parent of, or actually being, one of the children victimized by this man, i do know the weight of my sin. and how utterly disgusting it is. and i know this world is a cruel, unfair place. But we have to remember that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. this event, and all the other horrible events, did not pass unnoticed by Him. He wasn't surprised by any of it. He wasn't taken off guard. Nothing happened that was not in His will. We can question Him, and Lord knows i do, about the unfairness of the starving children,the abused spouses, and the forgotten souls of the world, but that doesn't phase God. Yes, He cares about what we think. But He knows that we have no idea what He is about, and we cannot grasp His ways, and we will never see the bigger picture. The cross is there, and we need to run to it. we need to weep at the feet of the One who knows our pain and has experienced it for us. Life is SO unfair, on our terms. But God is greater than Life. God IS Life. and He has a plan. God knew that this would happen to kanakuk. He knew that this man would do this. and it DIDN'T SURPRISE HIM. do you not think he is going to work this out for His good? Do you not think that His glory will be proclaimed through this tragedy? I just want to encourage kanakukers all over the nation. Because God is on our side. He hears the cries of the afflicted, and He answers them. He may be doing something major in the heart of Mr. Newman right now, just as He is in ours. He may be breaking the chains of sin and judgment that kanakuk has let slide in, just as he is breaking the chains of my sins that i continue to let slide in, and not even undetected. i usually know they are there.

some of the most amazing people i know have fallen flat on their faces. they may not have made the news, but they might as well have for the guilt they felt. But God used that for His glory. there are walking miracles of God's glory all around us. We as a church need to build up our shields and expose our swords. We're all in this together. (no, not liek the high school musical song:) or maybe so). Let's fight sin WITH those who are looked down upon by the world. Nobody is too far gone for God to catch in the palm of His hand.

Like all my posts, this is kind of choppy and flawed. but i tried to get my point across. Hope i did. if not, here it is:

God is sovereign. Period.

5/23/09- Plant a Daisy

I do not like the fact of who i am as a Christian. I am quite thrilled, really, with who i am as a pagan. As a pagan, I can be sure, i have the advantages most pagans long for; idolize, really. i find it dosconcerting that my piqued interest and attention come to when ideas and prospects of jewelry soar. or of major-time service projects. or of blogging about myself. the drudgery comes in taking time away from that to plant flowers in my backyard, have a sit-down dinner, host company, or go meet up with company. i am wistfully wishing i were back in my studio (St. Udio:) salivating over the millions/perhaps billions of variations in media and composition! the ability to make master works with my two hands and what is in front of me! to make something no one else has made!

Is it not enough to plant a daisy? No. because, although completely unique to its own individual life and growth, there are at least a few dozen people perhaps planting daisies at the exact time. different daisies, of course, but daisies all the same. they did not come up with the idea and model of a daisy and then plant it. they saw, they took, they dug, they planted. something is magical in that simplicity, and it makes me think that i will know the joy and peace in simplicity when i am able to do just that-- plant a daisy-- and feel such a surge of all things holy and content, resigning myself to the fact that i do not matter, and none of my matter matters, without a Higher Cause. His Glory, of course. I definitely without a doubt, see me as being more like the character Van in "Severe Mercy". or Davy in her early years. before she surrendered herself to the simplicity of One Being and One Word. Maybe not simplicity. But resolution. One important book. None of the fillers along the way. that is it, i realize....i am lost in the fillers right now. i know my biggest struggle and cause of discontent. it is the fear of "settling". The fear of not being able to see, experience, and accomplish everything on my list. The fear of being "just another daisy"...instead of an exotic piece of never-to-be-repeated jewelry to be adorned. I strive for uniquity (uniqueness?). And therein lies my discontent. If only i would lay it down. Lay it down to the One who holds me in His Hand, never to let me go.

Meet Me There

Meet Me There
a poem


Bruises, Skinned, and Bleeding knees
Here on this sphere I aim to please
Shiny Things, they draw me in
My own foundation caving in
I curse the Bruise, I curse the Skin
My own foundation wearing thin
My blood-soaked body cannot win
I've heard about one Grand Allure
No more gravity obscure
It hides in Waiting
Beckons me in
It crushed Spineless, Haughty Sin
Meet me there the Air is Clear
the Sun, it need not be aware
He strokes your hair and calls you Fair
Fairy tales, so useless there
O please, My love,
Please meet me there

-Alyssa Hanning

Fummer Sun!

It's summer, by golly, and her number one fan is here to enjoy it! i seriously live for summer and not a day goes by when it's under 75 degree weather that i don't ask myself why i haven't left this "season schizophrenic" city. California, Arizona, New Mexico, Costa Rica, Hawaii...I dream of these places. i literally DO dream of them. unconsciously. or subconciously. whatever. So why am i still here? I have to ask myself that question a lot, but the answer never takes long in showing itself. or i should say answers plural. I was going to spew my wild and crazy ideas for this beautiful summer "vacation" (ha!), but it seems like the perfect match to the subject of "the reasons why i stay in Wichita":
First, there are the people. God is everywhere. I can be with Him in Arizona, but i cannot be there with my mother, who happens to say the wierdest, most random things that throw me (and her) into fits of crying laughter. i wouldn't have my father, either. A man who keeps my life together, keeping me on the right track, financially, health-wise, academically, mechanically (i'm talking cars here. keeping it running:), and sometimes (i am grateful) pulling me down from the huge hot air balloon of ideas i have once again hitched a ride on. we make fun of my dad for his infamous question, "How about we make a list of your goals?". but you know what? I'd be in a mental institution without him.
then there's my book club. oh my goodness, when we get together, it is a comedic sitcom. i'd say we could call it "Suburban Housewives Drunk on Jesus and Wine", or something of that nature, but of course I would not fit into that category:0 I'm the only non-married chick in the whole lot, and i wouldn't have it any other way! Why? b/c listening to these ladies accounts of marriage, kids, wifely duties, and basically being an adult (of which i consider myself as not there quite yet), is one of my most prized blessings. I get to hang out with ladies who love Jesus and know what it's like to be married--the ups and the downs, and the huge differences between men and women. It brings me back down to earth. Without knowing it, they are uplifting me and encouraging me by the slightest things. the way they dreamily talk about their husbands. the way their faces light up when they talk about their kids. and even the hard stuff. I feel like i am a fly on that wall that many single young ladies wish to be. except THIS fly gets to sit in a chair and discuss books. God is great. He knows how much help i need in preparing to be a future wife and mother. He knows. and He has brought his warriors to surround me and mentor me until the time comes. i jokingly told one of my clubbin' friends that, "It's so great because i get to learn from all of you guys' mistakes!". haha. totally not true. but we are human. so yes, i guess it's true in a way! But these women are so down to earth and up to God (does that phrase work?), it's simply spectacular.
Well, so i guess this turned into a book club post, but that's the way my mind works. it's so filled to the brim that i must pace myself so as not to bust open with overwhelming idea-atic stimulation! next post---talking about KRIS ALLEN's big win, grey's anatomy's shocker, my jewelry business and farmer's markets, my new girls' Bible Study, and plans for the church nursery! to battle all of those now would require pages of typed thoughts. MUST HAVE PORTION CONTROL!

Happy Summer!

Wait

(a poem by Russell Kelfer and taken from the book "Emotional Purity" by Heather Arnel Paulsen)

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
"Child, you must wait".
"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard? By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

"My future and all to which i can relate Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT? I'm needing a 'Yes', a go-ahead sign, Or even a 'No' to which i can resign.

"And Lord, You promised that if we believe We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And, Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry: "I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, i learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun. I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. "All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be. You would have what you want-- But, you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of My Love for each saint; You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair; You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there; You'd not know the joy of resting in Me; When darkness and silence were all you could see. "You'd never experience that fullness of love As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove; You'd know that I give and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight, The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last. "You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true, But, oh, the loss if i lost what I'm doing in you! "So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me. And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still, "Wait."

I share this poem for its amazing potency in revealing the most awesome, perfect, loving, and in control God whose plan is above all human reasoning, and completely for His glory. God be praised for the life-lessons on waiting...

All the chisels I've dulled

ok, here's the real deal people... i am up at 4:04 am, mainly because i have been zonking out at 7:30 or so the past few nights. that, or taking 3+hour naps. Is she sick, may you ask? well...yes. But not really anything that has one name, or a cool disease name, or a certain impairment that excuses my lethargic behavior. It's really just that i am unhealthy. I've tried many ways to become a specimen of health, but it seems this is one of my thorns in the side until God decides to take it away. After all, I have come to realize that it is completely true that God holds your health in His hands. Yes, there are guidelines. and suggestions, and scientific evidence of healthy living tactics. But all in all, the healthiest, most salad-loving, banana-eating, oxygen bar-ing, running, smiling, outdoorsy, vitamin-popping, detoxing, yoga-ing person in the world could contract a disease, or just wither at any moment b/c it is God's plan. And God trumps science. Sometimes i don't like to think of it that way (the truth;)) and i'd rather be assured that the efforts i am making to have a healthy lifestyle are certainly going to pay off. In other words, to know that i am actually in control of the fate of my health. But most of the time i realize the ridiculousity of that thinking, as I know with the greatest certainty that everything is for the glory of God, not for my physical comfort.

My brother and i have both agreed that we probably do not have long to live. We say it jokingly, but we kind of mean it, looking at it from a health perspective. We have the healthiest of parents and many strengths that mask our infirmities quite nicely. But the fact remains that we have both cost my dad an arm and a leg in medical bills...and counting... Griff gets sick, too, so i'm not saying we're more special than he is;). But we are. haha, at least to doctor's salaries and such. Sometimes i worry that ppl think i make it all up. That may be an unfair presumption. I wish i did make it up though, cuz then i could stop it. I often dream of the endless possibilities of my life if given enough energy to last through a 12-hour period. I am a very passionate, goal-driven woman with unrealistic expectations for myself. Ideas flow out of me like a fountain, but there are so many, most end up flooding each other out and drowning before I can pull them out (good analogy? hmm...maybe). Anyways, so i am always dreaming of ways to save the world. So, in a way, I think this sickly body is one of God's ways of keeping me in humble submission to Him. Sometimes i DO have a rush of energy (that lasts two days and then takes two days of sleep recovery;)). When i am in that "mode", i sincerely think that i can save the world. I start talking ppl's ears off with my ideas, planning trips to the far ends of the world, figuring out how to raise money, throwing out the old and bringing in the new, revising my life's plan, setting goals to reach everyday physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Achieving them for a couple of days...and then i go back to square one...sleep. lots of sleep. This has obviously been a frustrating theme in my life. But through God's rennovation of my soul, I have come to see it as a blessing (sometimes:)). B/c i have always put my abilities up on a pedestal. I worship my God-given gifts as gods themselves.

I have the greatest friends and family in the world. I haven't met everyone in the world, but i'm willing to bet money on that former statement. But i know if i had a friend who was: always asleep when i came over, never answered her phone (b/c she is sleeping), always had a "migraine", always got carsick, dizzy/vertigo, was always in the bathroom, couldn't eat anything i made her/brought for her, and was constantly cancelling plans due to a "sudden illness", well, by golly, I'd be really skeptical. I'd try not to be. I'd try to hide it. But I know i couldn't help but be a little wary of her/his "illnesses". So i know. I'm not unaware of how it may sound. That's the worst part about this. That i have to constantly let ppl down who were counting on me. Not glorifying myself, but saying they were counting on me b/c i SAID i would be there for them. When i agree to do something, i am super pumped to do it. I cancel b/c when that day comes, I am beat. just physically beat. I say yes to ten things, fully thinking i can do them all, and then usually ending up doing one, and then burning out. It's frustrating. It's hard to explain. I'm not pitying myself, or at least i hope i'm not, but i'm just trying to express something that has been kind of a hidden struggle for me. a constant reminder of my earthly mortality. my deficiencies. My humanity. how am I going to go love on Africa's poorest and sleep at the same time?? Ain't no way:). It's hard to feel like a good friend when you are as unreliable as I am. I need to stop trying to prove myself to my friends. I know they are probably all on my side and just "giving me razz" about being sick/dropping out all the time. It's not their fault, and i certainly don't want them to feel self-conscious about teasing me about these things. So i just want to attempt to clarify that the struggle for me is my own frustration with the my shortcomings. Faithfulness and loyalty in a friendship are things i value most, and i hate it when i cannot give that to others. oh, life is such a humbling road! PRAISE GOD for my shortcomings, for if i had none, I would never have realized my desperate need for Him.
I know i'm talking about myself a lot. It's hard not to in a blog. b/c it's kinda like the place where ppl come to hear you talk about yourself. so get off right now if you're uninterested, b/c now i will be talking about more of myself and my medical qualms:

I have tried many prescription drugs (all with crazy bad side effects), acupuncture, massage, chiropractice, detox diets, workout routines (the runner's high helps a lot!), gluten-free, lactose-free diets, allergy shots, surgery...the list goes on. At present, I am at a place that encourages natural healing (have you ever seen those white domes off of k-96? yes, the Domes is what i'm talkin about). I got blood and urine tests that proved scientifically that i am very deficient in crucial vitamins (example: i have no reserves of vitamin C), and also that i am intolerant to just about every food that i enjoy. Chocolate, beef, corn, potatoes, tomatoes (ketchup!!!), PEANUT BUTTER, and on and on and on. One i am not the least disappointed with is my intolerance to celery. i despise celery. stop masking it's taste with peanut butter, moms;). But there it was- written, expensive, thoroughly tested proof that my body does not do well with foods as bizarre- sounding as beef! apples! oranges! walnuts! milk! SERIOUSLY??? yes, in this case, i'm pretty sure science does not lie. unless they got my blood and urine mixed up with someone else's, i have to believe it.

i know this is nothing like cancer, leukemia, or some type of disease that keeps one at the hospital on oxygen for the rest of their life...and from that perspective, I feel shame for the self-pity i many times feel wash over me. How blessed i am that i can walk! and talk! and see! hear! taste! How selfish i am to feel i am the only one with these types of impairments. So, take all of this with a grain of salt. I share because...well, i don't know why...I guess because i know how ludicrous my "excuses" seem sometime. and i want you to know that i never purposefully try to rain on anyone's parade.

The fact remains that God is in control. He knows our days. He knows our breathes. He knows our vitamin deficiencies:). There is no miracle pill to cure one completely, i know, but He is the Miracle-Maker, and i am confident that He knows what He is doing with every second of my everyday. He who began a good work in me...He who CHOSE ME...will DEFINITELY BEYOND A DOUBT bring it to completion! Victory...it has already been won, people!

Competition

Comp-uh-tition!
Comp-uh-tition!
Competition, Competition, COMP-UUUHHH-TITION!

This was a favorite cheer of mine from a summer camp i attended as a child. It heartily expressed the passion within me to not only excel in everything, but to blow the competition away!

It has taken 23 years, but i've changed. I hate competition. I don't know if hate is the biblical word for it, but at least let's say it is very distasteful to me. You see, from an early age, I have won almost everything i wanted to win, and that was what kept my head up and my confidence in place. I am still proud of all my number one prizes in elementary school (that, sadly, has not changed...yet). For 23 years, I have relied on my own abilities to define who I am, even who I wanted to appear to be in Christ. My struggle with perfection is strong. I was constantly told i was a competitive child. I loved it! Because, sadly, this culture defines winning as success. Do whatever you can do to beat your opponent, go to the extreme, try to get away with as much as you can. So i did. In high school, I learned to tackle girls in soccer without getting a foul. Pull down on the opponent's sleeve, come in from the side, fall down with her, etc. I was the tackler, and it was my job to be on the best player of the team, and annihilate them. Sounds way intense, but have you ever watched sports?? Bitty ball is even intense. When you are a player on that field/court/track/etc., you are not trying to be Jesus to your opponents. You are trying to annihilate them. Especially in Christian environments.

I'm reading "Too Small To Ignore" by the CEO of Compassion International, Dr. Wess Stafford. I HIGHLY recommend this book. God has used it to open my eyes to many things, but especially to this parasite of competition. Wess has an interesting story. He's an m.k. who grows up in the tiny village of Nielle, Africa. Only when he arrives in America does he see the polar differences between us and his former home. The people in that village had one pressing goal: to survive. Everyone worked together to make sure the whole village had enough food and protection. They ate together. They tended their neighbors' fields. They offered anything they had to give. As a little boy, Wess learned the trades of an African boy. One of their main responsibilites was to ward off unwanted visitors (animals). They used slingshots, which became, of course their most prized possession and thrilling activity. Every hit and every effort was rewarded with applause. If one boy ran out of smooth round stones, many hands reached out to offer him more. They never kept tallies of who hit what and how many times. I see three-year-olds in America that keep score in their activities with others. It has been so instilled in us to win, that we end up forgetting about those we have trampled along the way. That is why it is so hard for us to share. What child doesn't hold her doll close so that others won't "mess it up"? What boy doesn't grasp his ball with white knuckles as his sister comes his way? Today, I should use video controllers as the object, this would be more conducive:) Yes, we are to compete with those who serve other gods, but when did that include the intense girl in the shinguards or the neighbor boy with the cool toy truck?

Paul's statement in Philippians of having fought the good fight and won the prize is very misunderstood by, i think, every American. Well yeah, he won. But he was encouraging us so that we may join him on the center podium. It was a race against evil; all who are in Christ are winners! How comforting that is, but at the same time rather dismal, knowing that it took me 23 years to understand.

i recall that most of my friendships, until recently, have been battered and bruised by competition. I have athletic, smart, successful friends. One is an Olympian. Others are so brainy that they get to go to college for free. A few others are just selfless...and that makes me angry b/c i know i am not (and i should be). They are winning against selfishness. And some are just rich and gorgeous and get everything they want. Every time someone i love succeeds, I fake my happiness for them and hide my jealous heart. Whether they pick up on it or not, it affects our friendship. I build a wall between us, so as not to get hurt (read: beat) again. Inside i am conniving how to get something for myself that they can't. Try to ONE-UP 'em. I still think this way, but now I see the extreme folly in it, and i try to be quick to acknowledge my sin and cry out to the One who knows my deepest secrets. So slowly, I am getting excited for those who are blessed around me, even when i am not. truly excited. overjoyed, even. it's still a long road ahead. Thank God i have a Light to guide me.

Now, let me clarify something before I conclude. Success is good. Success is not a sin. The Bible urges us to give our all and do our best all the time. I am not fighting success. But that has been completely skewed! When did doing our best necessitate doing BETTER than those around us? Name one time when Jesus applauds the man who beats out the competition. Name one time when Jesus Himself has a competitive spirit.

This is my conclusion: I am fed up with being competitive. As our culture continues to thrive on and revolve around the world of competition and as long as there are Sunday football games, Sunday practices, late night practices, and anything else that takes us away from our number one priorities: God and family...as long as that is going on...I will be fighting. I don't know how i'm gonna fight yet, but by golly, i will...be....fighting... nothing should be compromised on account of competitive activities...the Great Commission, the 10 Commandments, the praise of our Father, and the 24/7 striving to please Him in all that we do. So i'm tired of those Christians who hide under Paul's words. My purpose in writing all of this is not to condemn everyone with a competitive spirit, but just to let you know how my heart has been changed, and how a little bit of it's outer wall has been chipped away. I feel my greatest challenge in all this is to learn to someday raise children who do not live life trying to be number one. It's going to be hard. I'm gonna start praying now.

Princess Ministries

Sabra! Lauren Po!

First of all, what do you think of the name Princess Ministries? Based on being the King's daughters, valued, beautiful inside and out, privileged (chosen), and called to specific duties.

2. I spoke with Jamie Schantz this Sunday as we were caring for sniffling sneezing babies in the nursery about the pitiful state the church nursery is. I think I was literally getting sick in there, so there's no telling how the todds and babes were handling it! we were talking ideas of how to create a warm, homey atmosphere...and then, after church, Meredith Mork grabbed me and told me she's thought of remodeling the nursery, and immediately thought of me to help with that! talk about confirmation!
3. going along with this, I also attended the library ministry meeting, where we discussed how to create an effective and positive learning/reading environment for Heartlanders to enjoy. After realizing the needs of these two areas, my brain started whirring...

How amazing would it be to get the young women of Heartland involved in these two ministries! it is dead on with God's calling to us as women of the Church: to serve the Church in the best ways we know how! Decorating and creating a comfortable environment for others is what we were born to do! This is so exciting to me!! So, let me know what you girls think. Offhand, my initial ideas on how to get the ball rolling are:
a. discuss with the elders
1. ask about budget for nursery, if there is one
2. ask about location- is the present room for the nursery the permanent spot? or the best spot?
3. present a list of things that need to be improved by men- electricity, window shades, furniture built, carpet, etc.
4. if needed, ideas on how to raise money for this task: bake sale (also a lesson on baking), art sale (i have a ton of ceramics i want to get rid of!), even a jewelry sale where us the girls can have a day of creating their own necklaces, etc. and then put them up for sale! babysitting volunteering (donations), maybe a mom's day out (donations)?
5. a list of needed items that ppl might have lingering around that they could donate: couches, blankets, chairs, tables, activity centers, various media, possible t.v. for watching interactive videos...
6. i'm reading a book right now called "Too Small to Ignore" by CEO Dr. Wess Stafford of Compassion Intl. and i am well aware of the crazy passion i get for every book i read, but this one truly is amazing and speaks as one with my own heart. While working in the nursery, I noticed something off that i had just read about that morning...the theme was toys. To summarize, Dr. Stafford was raised in a tiny, remote African village where age was not segregated. As soon as one could walk, you were called to help get sticks for the fires. and as you grew, the responsibilities changed and increased (like he and his friends used slingshots to ward off the baboons from their gardens). These were jobs. But to this village, it was also play. It took a whole village to keep things running and food on the table. So naturally, all were called to contribute. Dr. Stafford described the pure joy in being able to contribute to his community, as well as be involved in the lives of the adults. Today, we find toys, video games, mindless distractions, and anything else we can think of to get the children out of the way so we can get some "real work" done. Therefore, American children feel useless, then start acting useless. They get no encouragement in helping that they end up despising every aspect of work. Ok so that was a tangent:) I could go on and on but what i want you girls to glean from this is this: i was disturbed by the available activities in the nursery. Lots of plastic toys, pretend cars and kitchens...why not make it fun while actually instilling knowledge and experience in these impressionable minds? So, i'm thinking activity tables...indoor forts/exercise areas...anything age 3 and under can do. Of course, we will still have the toys...but i hope you get where i'm going with this...

7. I will be meeting with Janet Ralston next week to hear her heart and wisdom on this vision. If you girls could set up a meeting or two with some of the ladies in the church you are close with, we can compare and exchange notes next time we meet!
8. Why not take advantage of a time when all of the women are together? LADIES RETREAT! if you guys are going, maybe we can aspire to have a plan prepared by then to present to the women as a whole. I think this would be very effective and rewarding.

Love you girls! Peace out

We as Women

I have one problem with being a woman: I am the submissive gender. This is what i am called to be. It is humbling, and so worth it to go thru the refining fire to get to a place where i am truly serving my God as a woman of faith, trust, PATIENCE.
But sometimes the journey along the way seems....hopeless, really. The rare opportunities (since starting school again) that i get to talk with dear friends and exchange heartfelt musings...oh, it is so refreshing! B/c we as women always think we are "the only ones" going thru it--whatever "it" happens to be. But a quick open-hearted conversation with those in the same period of life vehemently denies the words i told myself to be true. Here are some of the thoughts that get implanted in my brain/my heart even:
-What's wrong with me? Am i just not attractive?
-Why am i the only one who struggles with love?
-are ppl not telling me something that is terribly wrong with me that i am completely unaware of?
-At this age, I should be married. Instead, I am still in my father's household, under my father's headship
-Will someone just come and sweep me off my feet already?? Why this waiting period?
...and more questions, i'm sure, many more. But the commonality is this: Insecurities caused by nonbiblical expectations. May i have the privilege of directing you to the bare minimum of facts about the lives of some of God's chosen women?
Ruth- I just read the book of Ruth and I am struck by these facts: husband dies (that is tragic enough in itself!), stranger in a foreign land, just one human to rely on for most of the journey (naomi), who keeps urging her to leave. obviously, we forget that Ruth had to have left her own family before marrying Naomi's son. Ugh! Do we realize the sacrifice? Then, marries Boaz, an older man. I don't know, maybe it was a true romance, but i think there's a possibility that at first she had to learn to love this new husband. OH, and she was about to be given to a man she didn't even know b/c he had the rights to her! So she was like property. How unlovey dovey is that?
Esther- sure, she was the most beautiful of all the land. But so often I forget that when entering the throne room of the king, she did not know the outcome of the story! To go into a room knowing you may come out with a death sentence...i can't see that being easy. And then to work up the courage to defy the man next in line to authority! Whew. And you think the however many years she spent going thru beauty rituals would have been glorious...but after a couple months, i'm sure she was questioning her purpose in being there and going through all of that.
Tamar- Oh my goodness, Tamar!!! An evil husband, an unsupportive family, risking her life to sleep with her father-in-law...doesn't look like she had a bevy of besties to confide in and share with in her drama. She was flying solo...But from her womb came the line of the Messiah. Tamar had it hard.
Mary- to be accused of premarital relations. to keep the secret of her immaculate conception. to be wrongly esteemed by her soon to be husband. that was tough, i am sure. Also, she was carrying the Christ child. How unworthy do you think she felt? How many times would you have questioned why you were chosen for this task, when so many more are stronger?
Sarah- fertility drugs are now an option. You don't have to wait 90 plus years to have your first child. but she did. She also made quite a mess of it when her faith was lacking.
Bathsheba- seriously, she sleeps with the king. Man, i would feel like such a guilty cheater and a whore. She could've said no to him (or maybe she couldn't have, i don't know the details there). Then her husband is killed. May i have an extra helping of guilt, please? Oh, and then her firstborn is killed.

These facts weave themselves into the stories so familiar to us that I think we forget to think about the bumpy roads these women actually had to go on. Here i am asking God for a husband, assuming once i find him we will live happily ever after, have 6 adorable and gifted children, go save Africa, and have a beach house in Hawaii. But none of these God-fearing ladies had it that easy. You see, I have a supportive family. I will not be forced to marry a certain man. I will not have to have a baby on a slab of stone and then watch him die as i hold him, helpless to save him. i have it freaking EASY! Yes, I may be called to give up my husband earlier than i have planned, my children might be taken by the Lord earlier than i have planned... I might find myself in the company of guilty, hideous bottom-dwellers, feeling as if all i can do is survive (think Mary Magdelene).
But until that day comes, until more joy and calamity mix and intermingle in my life, I will praise God for the comfort and security of my home. my family nearby. My mom to hold me. My dad to protect me. My friends to encourage me. At present, I am building my armor. My plans are not His plans. If I am much less fortunate than the "norm" of young 23-year-old women, failing to reach the expectations the world puts upon me, well, that needs to be ok. This is just the beginning. Tomorrow may never come. And so, am i able to praise God for my present situation, or will i continue to gripe about His timing? Oh me of little patience;)

Struggles of the Flesh

12/9/08

Where did i go wrong? Well first, let me preface with the question- where did i go right? Seriously, i am like my own shadow. Unobtrusive, yet always there. Never changing, always dark, warped and manipulated by the world around me. Helpless. Unyielding. More prominently seen when Light is all around me. Well i guess this is describing my sin, which is a huge part of me, and a huge part of my degradation.
I have driven yet another caring man away. Because i am saturated, saturated in myself. To wait for a dream to come true would be like searching the sky for superman. You start hallucinating, you want him to appear so badly. Your neck starts hurting. And you have wasted your time going nowhere, doing nothing to further His kingdom. I have no conceivable idea of Your plans for me, Father, but i would ask that if You are waiting for a specific day until You introduce me to my husband, that that day may come earlier in the calendar year. Maybe even in 2008:) If You are planning it to be more like 2012, I would ask for a. maybe a year bump up? and b. that You would give me supernatural patience. Are you waiting for me to be completely transformed, not just in the process? b/c i know full well that i am in the process. and i am being refined by fire, but the fire hurts my translucent flesh. it reaches my heart quickly. And i'm tired of being refined. I know i don't even have the authority to make that statement. But here, in this journal, i merely tell You what You already know. and I know You know what's best for me. Lord, i have already messed up in my life more than probably an 23-year-old believer. Must i continue? Losing friends? Being humbled? Being disappointed and disappointing? If i am give this brain and these thoughts, let them be used by You. If not, then i don't want to think this deep. Life is less complicated when you're clueless.

(-obviously, this journal entry is not of thoughts that i have my heart in the right place. I merely write this so that, possibly, those who struggle with these same human thoughts might be encouraged, and that God might use these words to increase the faith of myself as well as other believers. I share my struggles because they are a large part of life. What God teaches me from these struggles always seems to come to fruition sometime later, in His timing, and in my submission.)

After Book Club

12/15/08
Give me a dollar, and i'll take 100,000. This being in reference to my giving to my dad vs. his giving to me. i am the most expensive female on this planet.
Book club was tonight and it was glorious b/c i love those women, but actually it was really hard. This book has taken me for a spin, and now i feel dizzy and out in the middle of nowhere. At least i have my Compass. Who encompasses all things, no matter its triviality or strength of confusion. Lord, the world tells me lies and I stupidly believe them. What is man that you are even mindful of them? You care for me. and i have no idea why. When this is how i treat You. i have so far to go, and such a short time getting there. Lord, mold me. Reshape me. Give me Your eyes. Mold my life into perfect congruence with Yours.

Notes on Ridiculous Attention and Family

12/7/08

I don't get who in their right mind would want to be like me. I guess i don't have to worry about it since nobody does. However, i believe there are a few who would want to be the me i portray around them. Ridiculous. I waste time on facebook, desperately looking for the attention it provides. waiting to be tagged, poked, messaged, invited, commented on, noticed. Seriously, it's ridiculous. i need to shed facebook. even if for a week. OK. I can do a week. I just rely on other ppl so much for my self-worth. Ridiculous. i rely on boys by trying to impress them and gain their attention. It makes me proud when i am the girl getting all the attention. and pursued, while others look on in envy. I am so shallow. wretched soul that i am. I cling to false hope. My mind is consumed with times of anxiety, worry, and pharasaic deeds and thoughts.
Lord, thank You for teaching me how to love, respect, and serve my family. My small efforts bring positive change in our family dynamics. You have promised this. and it is TRUE! I never realized the amount of responsibility I have as a part of these family dynamics. Relationships. i have never really worked at these. But God, You are guiding me step by baby step as my heart examines my inner longings and brings to Light what i have been so desperately, yet fruitlessly, trying to cover up. I cannot undo the past. Lord, as I come to a weak point in my life, I pray i will remain sure in the face of doubt, strong in the face of stress, encouraged in the face of despair. For You know the plans you have for me. My worry is only a detrimental roadblock to Your Will.

Notes on a Saved Young Woman

Lord, do not make me wealthy or cause my earthly, selfish efforts to succeed when all of that is clearly useless to You. Worrying about a business is as ignorant as an unbeliever. to worry about something that makes no difference in heaven, that passes away in the wink of an eye. My reputation. My self-worth. My pride. My success. My ego. All other earthly desires...covetousness, false humility, apostacy. I am incredibly distracted by my own distractions! Ones that are 100 percent easy to avoid: TV. movies. Grey's Anatomy. the Office. cheap shots. wasted minutes.

I hold a bitterness inside for people of whom i can say by name, as well as what has embittered me towards them. Friends from elementary school. friends from high school. boys. adults. international missionaries. friends from Arkansas. people i know well. people i hardly know. family. Mom. Dad. my brothers. God. So much hate. i deserve ten-thousand lashings, yet even as i say this, i know that i would gladly renounce Christ instead of getting that beating. Did i just admit that? God knows it, already. i'm a sick, demented, worldly, standard, talented, confused, doubting, hateful, jealous, ignorant, prideful, helpless, bitter, anxiety-driven child of God. Those are not characteristics of a godly young woman. The proverbs 31 lady is like the antithesis of me. Faith without works is dead. I know this full well and yet i continue to do works to cover up my lack of faith and devotion to You.

Boys...who needs 'em? uhh, We Do

Will i be able to write down the entire process of how I finally realized that God made men as a blessing for himself AND women? No, definitely not. it is a misconception that has plagued me since elementary years on the playground as i stared down each boy with the intent of beating them in whatever game we were playing. They were the competition. I couldn't let BOYS think they were better than me. Yeah, that got me nowhere fast as you can imagine.
But i do, once i figure out this blog posting, want to share minute and major thoughts and tidbits that have helped me understand the importance of me and the respect, love, admiration, and grace they deserve from us women.

written on 7/13/2008:

Before you get any deeper than just friends with a boy, you need to first observe his motivation for what he does. what is this boy relying on to define his worth?
is it looks? is it sports? is it his wonderful charisma that has the ability to leave you blushing in his wake? or is it the LORD?
well...how can you know for sure? it takes time. rushing into things will only leave you with stories in which to warn girls younger than you to not do what you did when you were their age;) which shows God can use your past as a blessing in your future, but you're getting nowhere (actually you're sinking) when you give into actions that you already know without a doubt are pure sin.
so, while you are waiting on God's timing, you can look for signs of fruit in this boy's life. these are some godly qualities that i find a necessity in the man i will spend the rest of my life with:
humility, quiet strength, meekness, dependence upon the Lord, honesty, sincerity, patience, perseverance, selflessness, hope, contentment, and an utter and intentional forgetting of self-want.