Working Towards an Online Victory!

Can't wait to sport the Triple Double-U's and have my Petie Mae Jewelry website up! Yes, it is taking forever, i hear ya. Besides, since i don't have a job, why in the world am i not getting this thing done and ready to take on the world?
Give me a break, i'm a people pleaser. Who isn't? I think people realize i am at home most days, so i am a perfect person to give a holler to, ask a favor, etc. I LOVE helping out, don't get me wrong. It's just that the not-so-urgent tasks get put on the back burner. Speaking of back burners, i even bake more than i make jewelry these days because i am strangely obsessed with making EVERY RECIPE i have ever seen. This reminds me of my disilluisionistic goal of wanting to read every book ever written by the time I died. That got erased from the bucket list. But the food-making obsession has not. I need the jewelry making and marketing obsession gene!
Well, hopefully petiemaejewelry.com (don't go there now, it's "down for maintenance" aka, has never been opened yet.) will be ushered in with the New Year, 2011. or 2012? hmmm... Please pray that Petie Mae Jewelry will be all God wants it to be.

I have ideas for social networking, such as having a blog on my website, and ideas for partnering with charities to put on a show/fundraiser with a percentage of the PMJ profits going towards that particular charity.

Nicole Strain, if you are reading this, i am hiring you to become my marketing consultant because you are, well, amazing. Let's talk business. I want Petie Mae Jewelry on the necks of every woman in America--without breaking their wallets or making them feel bad about their purchase.

That's another question...how does one promote their business without using less-than-pristine/ethical tactics? I'm not into conning, or convincing someone to buy something they really don't need, and could be spending on a few meals for a homeless man ("What Difference Do it Make?", anyone?) or for a couple of chickens for Christmas (Gospel for Asia's Christmas Catalog, anyone?)

How do you have a heart for the needy, and be a savvy businesswoman at the same time? Is this even possible??

Oh dear, another post for another time. For the 20 plus people who follow me, please give me your advice/opinions/ideas and pray for the future of Petie Mae Jewelry.

Next up, i'll be posting some photos of some internet-only merchandise!

The Captivity of Activity

Beth Moore describes it briefly in her "Breaking Free" video series. It's the "Captivity of Activity". Since i love a good play- on- words, i am a little miffed with Beth for thinking of this before I did. I guess other people ARE as smart as me (just another humbling as the Lord brings me down from the mountain of importance that i continually try to hike up, taking different trails each time, yet winding up in the same spot). SMARTER, even! 

Activity...my life is a constant conundrum in this regard. I am attacked on one side by the feeling of laziness and sluggishness, mainly due to health difficulties, but there is always that nagging thought that i am just doing it to get out of things and that it is all mental. And the other side attacks me with my endless lists of things to accomplish, as i rush from one to the other, not spending enough time in each spot to actually "accomplish" it, therefore, creating yet another "thing" to fix and "accomplish". (Do i use these """" too much? i will look into that, cuz that could get annoying). I get comments from others that i am running myself ragged. "How do you do all of this in one day? I would go crazy!". Then i get the comments, "What do you do all day? You don't have a job, right? So what occupies your time?", which reads to my sensitive self, "GET A LIFE YOU LAZY BUM!". 

So which is it? Darned if i know. The jury is no longer out on the purpose of my existence. I have learned after years of captivity in activity that my will is to do the will of the One Who sent me and called me as His own. Yet this question of my purpose is a constant leach to my everyday thoughts. I'm doing too much. I'm not doing enough. Well...which is it?

my backyard Mimosa tree! favorite tree ever. ever.

For my groom's wedding gift, I searched through 20 plus journals of my scribblings from the past fifteen years. I then typed up everything i deemed worthy of mention to my groom, things i wanted him to know about me and that would pertain to him understanding me better and creating a healthy start to our marriage. it was 70 pages. Single- spaced. Poor guy, having to read all that. I thought it would take him a few weeks to get through, but he actually finished it all in the first few days of our honeymoon! What??!! i told him he obviously had not labored over the intricacies of my journaling, grasping at the meaning of my innermost thoughts. Right:). But going through those entries, I didn't realize how much I would PERSONALLY get out of it. Reading through your life is quite unexplainable. It's overwhelming, really. You see patterns. You see things you never saw before about yourself. You cringe at some things you wrote, cry at others, and laugh hysterically at even more. You come across issues you dealt with ten years ago that you STILL haven't resolved. But you also come across issues that seemed like such a big deal at the time, and you wish you could go back and tell your teenage self (or 22 year old self!) that it would all be okay, and this seeming mountain was actually just a molehill, or a bump in the road. Upon reading, i saw quite a pattern with myself. It was the struggle with purpose. How i spent my time. What i accomplished during the day/week/year. I set tons of "goal lists", "aspirations", and "dreams". I started out wishing that life's goals could be checked off and i could move onto the next goal, and ended up begging God to assure me that that was not how life worked. And He did. and still does. 

i am still in the captivity of activity. I have met few who aren't. I realize that this time in my life is a perfect time for me to completely, painfully, utterly surrender my will to my Father, for every future second of my life to be HIS and HIS ONLY. I am a married homemaker, settling in right now and soon starting up, once again, a jewelry business. I am already craving to be a mother. But i know once motherhood occurs, I must be armed with weapons so as not to be caught in the "Captivity of Activity". To fight diligently for my God in this dark world, and yet find rest and peace in Him as well. That balance, i know, will never be achieved here on earth, but that does not mean i give up.

On Infant Baptism

Before i begin, i want to point out that i wasn't meaning to get into the question of infant baptism. This is a sticky subject amongst professing believers, and i have many a good friend who would completely oppose the belief in infant baptism. But, through God's work in my life as a part of one amazing book club, I stumbled upon this book-- Children of the Promise: The Biblical Case for Infant Baptism--written by Robert R. Booth, a former baptist preacher who professed to have ignored this subject for many years. He really got me in one of his opening lines when he said, "I think we often avoid studying a matter because we fear that our views will not be confirmed...Those who sincerely and diligently seek the truth will find it; they have no reason to fear being challenged by any contrary view."
And so, while i had my doubts about the legitimacy of baptizing infants, I forged ahead and diligently sought the truth. Well, i still have a lot to learn, and i don't think if you put me in front of a baptist believer to prove my point, that i would at all prove it. That is, unless, i read straight from this book and pointed them to the suggested scriptures. But through this book, as a tool for God's work, God has shown me that not only is it right to believe in infant baptism, it is being disobedient to him not to believe. Here are a few quotes from the book. There are many more, so i might go for a part two:

I suspect our difficulty in answering the question [of who should be baptized] stems less from a lack of biblical evidence and more from an inability to recognize that evidence when we see it, chiefly because our ways of thinking have changed so drastically from the ways of thinking natural to the authors of the New Testament, something which applies especially to tthe way we think about the family. OUr difficulty in understanding the New Testament's answer to this question is not one of theology, but history, and only if we can get this mental blockage out of our way, then the answer to to question, "who are the proper subjects of baptism?" will, in large measure, take care of itself...

Consequently, if God continues to deal with us as families in his covenant, then we need to give some very serious consideration to what we are doing if we leave our children unbaptized. We are not leaving them free to exercise their own free choice in a democratic universe. Instead, we are forcing them to break God's covenant; we are depriving them of what they have a legitimate right to; and we are making them to be covenant-breakers in the eyes of God.
-Allen Guelzo Who Should Be Baptized? A Case for the Baptism of Infants

If it enters anyone's mind to jest at infant baptism..., he is mocking the command of circumcision given by the Lord [in the Old Testament]. For what will they bring forward to impugn infant baptism that may not be turned back against circumcision?
-John Calvin Institutes

Gregg Bahnsen comments,
"Abraham's circumcision was God's testimony in Abraham's flesh that righteousness cannot be merited by man's natural efforts-- that it must me graciously imputed to the helpless sinner. Abraham was reckoned righteous, therefore, only by trusting in God's promise and provision--faith... we must not well that the signs of the covenant, whether circumcision or baptism,--being God's signs and ordained by Him--are God's testimony to God's gracious work of salvation. They declare the objective truth that justification comes only by faith in God's promise. Circumcision and baptism are not an individual's personal, subjective testimony to having saving faith for himself. God Himself commanded that circumcision be applied to those who He perfectly well knew would not have saving faith in Him (e.g., Ishmael in Gen. 17:18-27)
-"Baptism: Its Meaning and Purpose"

Likewise, in plenty of instances hypocrites who are not true believers have been baptized (cf. Heb. 6:2-6; e.g., Simon Magus in Acts 8:13, 20-23). Some might object that, while God knowingly applied a sign of the Old Covenant to unbelievers (like Ishmael or Esau), this would be inappropriate in the New Covenant. They say New Covenant signs are only for those we have reason to think are believers (by their profession of faith). Such reasoning is well meaning, but nonetheless unbiblical. God the Son knowingly applied the sign of even the New Covenant to the unbelieving 'son of perdition', Judas Iscariot (Luke 22:20-21; Matt. 26:23-29)
-Greg Bahnsen, "Baptism: Its Meaning and Purpose"

A Beauty Call

I have recently become a fan of (and by recently, i mean this morning) truecampaign.org. supposedly i belong to the facebook group, but i belong to a lot of facebook groups, most of whom send me messages, updates, and planned events that i never get around to reading. But this morning, after eating bacon with my dad at our friday morning breakfast spot (Good Egg. I can call it our spot because this morning the hostess said, "he's over there waiting for ya in the usual spot:), and then having a couple brownies at home, I have some free time before class that i decided to make use of. and no, not by sleeping. although it is tempting:). the coffee is keeping me up for at least a little while longer. So anyway, I opened a few emails that i usually end up deleting, and what a treat! This site, whose focus is on identity, beauty, and impact, is a wonderful resource for women of all ages who struggle with outward appearances. So, ALL of us basically:)

Like i said, i just ran across this site, but what little i have gathered so far, it is a faith-based organization run by a Christ-loving woman whose goal is to reach out to those in the pit of societal standards on beauty. Being a past anorexic and obsesser of food, calories, weight, etc., this has really hit home. I just finished watching Part one of an interview Constance (the lady who heads this site up) had with the director of a new film called "America the Beautiful", which focuses on make-up and its ridiculous impact and power over almost all women. Please watch it! and watch Part Two as well, I'm getting to that in a little bit:

http://blog.findingbalance.com/

Also, i learned this lady is going a month without makeup, and documenting what happens and changes in her life along the way. What a great way to give up an idol! I remember my RA freshman year (in good old Reid Hall), who was an amazing support to me in the 3 semesters at arkansas, she and a friend decided to cover up their mirrors with paper. She would have to get dressed and do her hair (i don't think she hardly ever wore makeup), then head out into a sea of people without even knowing how she looked! That may sound ridiculous to most guys, and probably a few gals too, but to me, that takes A LOT OF GUTS!!! i think she challenged me to do it too and i may have for two days or so...but this was at a time in my life where my confidence was at an all-time low, and my main goal and desire in everything i did was not to please God, but to get skinny and sexy!! sad, but true. So check this site out. I look forward to looking closer into it.

All the chisels I've dulled

ok, here's the real deal people... i am up at 4:04 am, mainly because i have been zonking out at 7:30 or so the past few nights. that, or taking 3+hour naps. Is she sick, may you ask? well...yes. But not really anything that has one name, or a cool disease name, or a certain impairment that excuses my lethargic behavior. It's really just that i am unhealthy. I've tried many ways to become a specimen of health, but it seems this is one of my thorns in the side until God decides to take it away. After all, I have come to realize that it is completely true that God holds your health in His hands. Yes, there are guidelines. and suggestions, and scientific evidence of healthy living tactics. But all in all, the healthiest, most salad-loving, banana-eating, oxygen bar-ing, running, smiling, outdoorsy, vitamin-popping, detoxing, yoga-ing person in the world could contract a disease, or just wither at any moment b/c it is God's plan. And God trumps science. Sometimes i don't like to think of it that way (the truth;)) and i'd rather be assured that the efforts i am making to have a healthy lifestyle are certainly going to pay off. In other words, to know that i am actually in control of the fate of my health. But most of the time i realize the ridiculousity of that thinking, as I know with the greatest certainty that everything is for the glory of God, not for my physical comfort.

My brother and i have both agreed that we probably do not have long to live. We say it jokingly, but we kind of mean it, looking at it from a health perspective. We have the healthiest of parents and many strengths that mask our infirmities quite nicely. But the fact remains that we have both cost my dad an arm and a leg in medical bills...and counting... Griff gets sick, too, so i'm not saying we're more special than he is;). But we are. haha, at least to doctor's salaries and such. Sometimes i worry that ppl think i make it all up. That may be an unfair presumption. I wish i did make it up though, cuz then i could stop it. I often dream of the endless possibilities of my life if given enough energy to last through a 12-hour period. I am a very passionate, goal-driven woman with unrealistic expectations for myself. Ideas flow out of me like a fountain, but there are so many, most end up flooding each other out and drowning before I can pull them out (good analogy? hmm...maybe). Anyways, so i am always dreaming of ways to save the world. So, in a way, I think this sickly body is one of God's ways of keeping me in humble submission to Him. Sometimes i DO have a rush of energy (that lasts two days and then takes two days of sleep recovery;)). When i am in that "mode", i sincerely think that i can save the world. I start talking ppl's ears off with my ideas, planning trips to the far ends of the world, figuring out how to raise money, throwing out the old and bringing in the new, revising my life's plan, setting goals to reach everyday physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Achieving them for a couple of days...and then i go back to square one...sleep. lots of sleep. This has obviously been a frustrating theme in my life. But through God's rennovation of my soul, I have come to see it as a blessing (sometimes:)). B/c i have always put my abilities up on a pedestal. I worship my God-given gifts as gods themselves.

I have the greatest friends and family in the world. I haven't met everyone in the world, but i'm willing to bet money on that former statement. But i know if i had a friend who was: always asleep when i came over, never answered her phone (b/c she is sleeping), always had a "migraine", always got carsick, dizzy/vertigo, was always in the bathroom, couldn't eat anything i made her/brought for her, and was constantly cancelling plans due to a "sudden illness", well, by golly, I'd be really skeptical. I'd try not to be. I'd try to hide it. But I know i couldn't help but be a little wary of her/his "illnesses". So i know. I'm not unaware of how it may sound. That's the worst part about this. That i have to constantly let ppl down who were counting on me. Not glorifying myself, but saying they were counting on me b/c i SAID i would be there for them. When i agree to do something, i am super pumped to do it. I cancel b/c when that day comes, I am beat. just physically beat. I say yes to ten things, fully thinking i can do them all, and then usually ending up doing one, and then burning out. It's frustrating. It's hard to explain. I'm not pitying myself, or at least i hope i'm not, but i'm just trying to express something that has been kind of a hidden struggle for me. a constant reminder of my earthly mortality. my deficiencies. My humanity. how am I going to go love on Africa's poorest and sleep at the same time?? Ain't no way:). It's hard to feel like a good friend when you are as unreliable as I am. I need to stop trying to prove myself to my friends. I know they are probably all on my side and just "giving me razz" about being sick/dropping out all the time. It's not their fault, and i certainly don't want them to feel self-conscious about teasing me about these things. So i just want to attempt to clarify that the struggle for me is my own frustration with the my shortcomings. Faithfulness and loyalty in a friendship are things i value most, and i hate it when i cannot give that to others. oh, life is such a humbling road! PRAISE GOD for my shortcomings, for if i had none, I would never have realized my desperate need for Him.
I know i'm talking about myself a lot. It's hard not to in a blog. b/c it's kinda like the place where ppl come to hear you talk about yourself. so get off right now if you're uninterested, b/c now i will be talking about more of myself and my medical qualms:

I have tried many prescription drugs (all with crazy bad side effects), acupuncture, massage, chiropractice, detox diets, workout routines (the runner's high helps a lot!), gluten-free, lactose-free diets, allergy shots, surgery...the list goes on. At present, I am at a place that encourages natural healing (have you ever seen those white domes off of k-96? yes, the Domes is what i'm talkin about). I got blood and urine tests that proved scientifically that i am very deficient in crucial vitamins (example: i have no reserves of vitamin C), and also that i am intolerant to just about every food that i enjoy. Chocolate, beef, corn, potatoes, tomatoes (ketchup!!!), PEANUT BUTTER, and on and on and on. One i am not the least disappointed with is my intolerance to celery. i despise celery. stop masking it's taste with peanut butter, moms;). But there it was- written, expensive, thoroughly tested proof that my body does not do well with foods as bizarre- sounding as beef! apples! oranges! walnuts! milk! SERIOUSLY??? yes, in this case, i'm pretty sure science does not lie. unless they got my blood and urine mixed up with someone else's, i have to believe it.

i know this is nothing like cancer, leukemia, or some type of disease that keeps one at the hospital on oxygen for the rest of their life...and from that perspective, I feel shame for the self-pity i many times feel wash over me. How blessed i am that i can walk! and talk! and see! hear! taste! How selfish i am to feel i am the only one with these types of impairments. So, take all of this with a grain of salt. I share because...well, i don't know why...I guess because i know how ludicrous my "excuses" seem sometime. and i want you to know that i never purposefully try to rain on anyone's parade.

The fact remains that God is in control. He knows our days. He knows our breathes. He knows our vitamin deficiencies:). There is no miracle pill to cure one completely, i know, but He is the Miracle-Maker, and i am confident that He knows what He is doing with every second of my everyday. He who began a good work in me...He who CHOSE ME...will DEFINITELY BEYOND A DOUBT bring it to completion! Victory...it has already been won, people!

After Book Club

12/15/08
Give me a dollar, and i'll take 100,000. This being in reference to my giving to my dad vs. his giving to me. i am the most expensive female on this planet.
Book club was tonight and it was glorious b/c i love those women, but actually it was really hard. This book has taken me for a spin, and now i feel dizzy and out in the middle of nowhere. At least i have my Compass. Who encompasses all things, no matter its triviality or strength of confusion. Lord, the world tells me lies and I stupidly believe them. What is man that you are even mindful of them? You care for me. and i have no idea why. When this is how i treat You. i have so far to go, and such a short time getting there. Lord, mold me. Reshape me. Give me Your eyes. Mold my life into perfect congruence with Yours.