5/23/09- Plant a Daisy

I do not like the fact of who i am as a Christian. I am quite thrilled, really, with who i am as a pagan. As a pagan, I can be sure, i have the advantages most pagans long for; idolize, really. i find it dosconcerting that my piqued interest and attention come to when ideas and prospects of jewelry soar. or of major-time service projects. or of blogging about myself. the drudgery comes in taking time away from that to plant flowers in my backyard, have a sit-down dinner, host company, or go meet up with company. i am wistfully wishing i were back in my studio (St. Udio:) salivating over the millions/perhaps billions of variations in media and composition! the ability to make master works with my two hands and what is in front of me! to make something no one else has made!

Is it not enough to plant a daisy? No. because, although completely unique to its own individual life and growth, there are at least a few dozen people perhaps planting daisies at the exact time. different daisies, of course, but daisies all the same. they did not come up with the idea and model of a daisy and then plant it. they saw, they took, they dug, they planted. something is magical in that simplicity, and it makes me think that i will know the joy and peace in simplicity when i am able to do just that-- plant a daisy-- and feel such a surge of all things holy and content, resigning myself to the fact that i do not matter, and none of my matter matters, without a Higher Cause. His Glory, of course. I definitely without a doubt, see me as being more like the character Van in "Severe Mercy". or Davy in her early years. before she surrendered herself to the simplicity of One Being and One Word. Maybe not simplicity. But resolution. One important book. None of the fillers along the way. that is it, i realize....i am lost in the fillers right now. i know my biggest struggle and cause of discontent. it is the fear of "settling". The fear of not being able to see, experience, and accomplish everything on my list. The fear of being "just another daisy"...instead of an exotic piece of never-to-be-repeated jewelry to be adorned. I strive for uniquity (uniqueness?). And therein lies my discontent. If only i would lay it down. Lay it down to the One who holds me in His Hand, never to let me go.

Fummer Sun!

It's summer, by golly, and her number one fan is here to enjoy it! i seriously live for summer and not a day goes by when it's under 75 degree weather that i don't ask myself why i haven't left this "season schizophrenic" city. California, Arizona, New Mexico, Costa Rica, Hawaii...I dream of these places. i literally DO dream of them. unconsciously. or subconciously. whatever. So why am i still here? I have to ask myself that question a lot, but the answer never takes long in showing itself. or i should say answers plural. I was going to spew my wild and crazy ideas for this beautiful summer "vacation" (ha!), but it seems like the perfect match to the subject of "the reasons why i stay in Wichita":
First, there are the people. God is everywhere. I can be with Him in Arizona, but i cannot be there with my mother, who happens to say the wierdest, most random things that throw me (and her) into fits of crying laughter. i wouldn't have my father, either. A man who keeps my life together, keeping me on the right track, financially, health-wise, academically, mechanically (i'm talking cars here. keeping it running:), and sometimes (i am grateful) pulling me down from the huge hot air balloon of ideas i have once again hitched a ride on. we make fun of my dad for his infamous question, "How about we make a list of your goals?". but you know what? I'd be in a mental institution without him.
then there's my book club. oh my goodness, when we get together, it is a comedic sitcom. i'd say we could call it "Suburban Housewives Drunk on Jesus and Wine", or something of that nature, but of course I would not fit into that category:0 I'm the only non-married chick in the whole lot, and i wouldn't have it any other way! Why? b/c listening to these ladies accounts of marriage, kids, wifely duties, and basically being an adult (of which i consider myself as not there quite yet), is one of my most prized blessings. I get to hang out with ladies who love Jesus and know what it's like to be married--the ups and the downs, and the huge differences between men and women. It brings me back down to earth. Without knowing it, they are uplifting me and encouraging me by the slightest things. the way they dreamily talk about their husbands. the way their faces light up when they talk about their kids. and even the hard stuff. I feel like i am a fly on that wall that many single young ladies wish to be. except THIS fly gets to sit in a chair and discuss books. God is great. He knows how much help i need in preparing to be a future wife and mother. He knows. and He has brought his warriors to surround me and mentor me until the time comes. i jokingly told one of my clubbin' friends that, "It's so great because i get to learn from all of you guys' mistakes!". haha. totally not true. but we are human. so yes, i guess it's true in a way! But these women are so down to earth and up to God (does that phrase work?), it's simply spectacular.
Well, so i guess this turned into a book club post, but that's the way my mind works. it's so filled to the brim that i must pace myself so as not to bust open with overwhelming idea-atic stimulation! next post---talking about KRIS ALLEN's big win, grey's anatomy's shocker, my jewelry business and farmer's markets, my new girls' Bible Study, and plans for the church nursery! to battle all of those now would require pages of typed thoughts. MUST HAVE PORTION CONTROL!

Happy Summer!

We as Women

I have one problem with being a woman: I am the submissive gender. This is what i am called to be. It is humbling, and so worth it to go thru the refining fire to get to a place where i am truly serving my God as a woman of faith, trust, PATIENCE.
But sometimes the journey along the way seems....hopeless, really. The rare opportunities (since starting school again) that i get to talk with dear friends and exchange heartfelt musings...oh, it is so refreshing! B/c we as women always think we are "the only ones" going thru it--whatever "it" happens to be. But a quick open-hearted conversation with those in the same period of life vehemently denies the words i told myself to be true. Here are some of the thoughts that get implanted in my brain/my heart even:
-What's wrong with me? Am i just not attractive?
-Why am i the only one who struggles with love?
-are ppl not telling me something that is terribly wrong with me that i am completely unaware of?
-At this age, I should be married. Instead, I am still in my father's household, under my father's headship
-Will someone just come and sweep me off my feet already?? Why this waiting period?
...and more questions, i'm sure, many more. But the commonality is this: Insecurities caused by nonbiblical expectations. May i have the privilege of directing you to the bare minimum of facts about the lives of some of God's chosen women?
Ruth- I just read the book of Ruth and I am struck by these facts: husband dies (that is tragic enough in itself!), stranger in a foreign land, just one human to rely on for most of the journey (naomi), who keeps urging her to leave. obviously, we forget that Ruth had to have left her own family before marrying Naomi's son. Ugh! Do we realize the sacrifice? Then, marries Boaz, an older man. I don't know, maybe it was a true romance, but i think there's a possibility that at first she had to learn to love this new husband. OH, and she was about to be given to a man she didn't even know b/c he had the rights to her! So she was like property. How unlovey dovey is that?
Esther- sure, she was the most beautiful of all the land. But so often I forget that when entering the throne room of the king, she did not know the outcome of the story! To go into a room knowing you may come out with a death sentence...i can't see that being easy. And then to work up the courage to defy the man next in line to authority! Whew. And you think the however many years she spent going thru beauty rituals would have been glorious...but after a couple months, i'm sure she was questioning her purpose in being there and going through all of that.
Tamar- Oh my goodness, Tamar!!! An evil husband, an unsupportive family, risking her life to sleep with her father-in-law...doesn't look like she had a bevy of besties to confide in and share with in her drama. She was flying solo...But from her womb came the line of the Messiah. Tamar had it hard.
Mary- to be accused of premarital relations. to keep the secret of her immaculate conception. to be wrongly esteemed by her soon to be husband. that was tough, i am sure. Also, she was carrying the Christ child. How unworthy do you think she felt? How many times would you have questioned why you were chosen for this task, when so many more are stronger?
Sarah- fertility drugs are now an option. You don't have to wait 90 plus years to have your first child. but she did. She also made quite a mess of it when her faith was lacking.
Bathsheba- seriously, she sleeps with the king. Man, i would feel like such a guilty cheater and a whore. She could've said no to him (or maybe she couldn't have, i don't know the details there). Then her husband is killed. May i have an extra helping of guilt, please? Oh, and then her firstborn is killed.

These facts weave themselves into the stories so familiar to us that I think we forget to think about the bumpy roads these women actually had to go on. Here i am asking God for a husband, assuming once i find him we will live happily ever after, have 6 adorable and gifted children, go save Africa, and have a beach house in Hawaii. But none of these God-fearing ladies had it that easy. You see, I have a supportive family. I will not be forced to marry a certain man. I will not have to have a baby on a slab of stone and then watch him die as i hold him, helpless to save him. i have it freaking EASY! Yes, I may be called to give up my husband earlier than i have planned, my children might be taken by the Lord earlier than i have planned... I might find myself in the company of guilty, hideous bottom-dwellers, feeling as if all i can do is survive (think Mary Magdelene).
But until that day comes, until more joy and calamity mix and intermingle in my life, I will praise God for the comfort and security of my home. my family nearby. My mom to hold me. My dad to protect me. My friends to encourage me. At present, I am building my armor. My plans are not His plans. If I am much less fortunate than the "norm" of young 23-year-old women, failing to reach the expectations the world puts upon me, well, that needs to be ok. This is just the beginning. Tomorrow may never come. And so, am i able to praise God for my present situation, or will i continue to gripe about His timing? Oh me of little patience;)

Life-wasting: a busy business

O Lord, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?
Man is like a breathe; his days are like a fleeting shadow.
Psalm 144:3-4

contentment, as you will soon see, is not my strong spot. i am plagued by so much to do and so little time (or if you're willy wonka, scratch that, reverse it!). It is intensely hard for me to slow down due to the "what ifs" in my life. Do i think that what i need to do, want to do, day by day is important? well...yeah. It sounds ridiculous, but from the outside looking in, i am too busy with wasting my life. At a wednesday night Bible study i attend (we call it Playloop:), we watched a tape of John Piper. One worth watching 20 times over just to absorb a little morsel of its intent. I absorbed like a crumb, but it was the crumb i needed. and in fact, a lot of crumbs can build up to quite a pile! So back to Piper, he was focusing on this: Don't waste your life. retirement is useless for the Christian. We don't deserve it like the world thinks we do. we have but a breathe on this earth, so why do so many insist on wasting it? well, we're vile sinners, of course. My own evilness (eviltude?), my brokenness, my desire for my own glory, my expectations, things I feel i deserve from God for my own glory...and darn if it isn't extremely unfair if He doesn't give me what i "deserve"? I don't know if this is true, i'll have to check with Mr. Webster, but i just thought of something while writing that word: deserve. de. serve. "de" is to take away, in layman's terms i think. so can we demand for what we think we "deserve" while at the same time "serve"? oh boy, now that brings up the word demand...i'll have to get back to you on that one:)
What i deserve: i want a husband. I want children. maybe 3 or 4, boy girl boy girl. I want another day to live. another second to breathe, awesome adventures, money for my labor, comfort, peace, social skills, attention, recognization of my gifts and talents. i am surely and most intensely missing the entire point! duh. I deserve freedom? no, i don't. God has given many blessings to me. for a time. but if He takes it away, will i deem it unfair? Will i be bitter? will i lose faith? will i be filled with regret? Yes, yes, yes and uh-huh for sure.
As long as we live for ourselves, we will surely be bombarded with these feelings. We live for Him. Us vapors. Us shifting shadows. Let our shadow be covered by the shadow of His wings. none of us deserve that, but don't worry it's free:)